[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Drone strikes deaths performed live’ says prez
WASHINGTON D.C. — Following the controversial lip-syncing performance by singing sensation Beyonce Knowles at the inauguration a couple weeks ago, a pall of skepticism has hung over much of the administration’s policies and decisions, both current and past, not the least of which is related to drone strikes.
President Obama, the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize winner, has come out strong in defense of his administration’s anti-terror policies, holding multiple press conferences to answer questions, allay fears, and assuage public doubts.
After fielding questions from whether or not the fiscal cliff is a literal or figurative cliff to whether or not Michelle’s bangs are literal or figurative bangs, different agencies began questioning the veracity of U.S. drone strikes, asking whether these were live strikes or simply prerecorded replays.
“Mr. President, good morning,” CNN correspondent Strait Truf began. “How are we to know that the recent drone strikes in Yemen last August, which killed a number of innocent Yemenis (including cleric Ali Jaber), was an actual military strike and not merely an exciting 2004 or 2006 rerun? Or the most recent attack on January 23rd, which killed an innocent teacher and university student along with five members of Al Qaeda — were those real people or were we watching some kid play Call of Duty in his mom’s basement?”
“Good morning, Mr. President — Barry Wine here with MSNBC. Can you comment on the authenticity of the collateral damage incurred by the drone strikes over the past few years; were those 50 or 60 kids actually killed with U.S. predator drones or were they Palestinian and Israeli children?”
The president, as calm and calculated as ever, responded to the questions with aplomb.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation — (Obama off-mic: ‘Cut it! That’s the wrong tape guys — damn it. It’s number three.’) Excuse us everyone — technical difficulties.”
Though there is ground still to be covered, many feel that both the president (and Beyonce) have fully proven themselves to the public and that everyone’s unquestioning acceptance should resume back to normal.
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