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Argus Has Fun With The News: Donald Trump & More

Feb 132013
 
 By , February 13, 2013

The news according to Argus!

In the news, Bill Maher was sued for joking that Donald Trump is the spawn of his mother having sex with an orangutan. It’s not a slam dunk. There is a constitutional question over whether a joke can be considered slander, but the orangutan considers it a matter of honor.

The Grammy Awards were televised from Los Angeles Sunday featuring superb song performances. However, these awards shows can get too self-congratulatory. It seemed a little over the top to salute Whitney Houston for going one year without a drink or a drug.

Big news: Pope Benedict announced Monday he’ll retire in March, becoming the first pope to retire in six hundred years. Stepping down was not his idea. The retirement was forced on him after he drove his pope-mobile into a crowded farmers market one too many times.

The Vatican summoned the College of Cardinals to meet in Rome next month to elect the new pope to replace Pope Benedict. It’s a democratic process. Pope Benedict was elected by the College of Cardinals and removed by a vote of the Penn State Board of Regents.

NBC News noted that young Pope Benedict served in the German Army during World War II. He commanded an anti-aircraft battery in North Berlin that saved the BMW plant from Allied bombing. There should be a statue of him in the Beverly Hills High School parking lot.

The White House website is selling I Love Obama flags to push his agenda. The flags are huge. Republicans buy the flags and tape them to the roof of their cars, so that in case there are any drone missiles in the neighborhood, it’s one less thing to worry about.

The Navy SEAL who killed Osama bin Laden told Esquire he’s refused the Navy’s offer of a change of identity and a job driving a beer truck in Milwaukee. One thing’s for sure now. It’ll be two generations before anybody tries to hijack a beer truck in Milwaukee.

Esquire detailed the Navy SEAL’s account of how he shot Osama bin Laden three times in the head the moment he saw him. It’s a wonder we didn’t capture bin Laden and waterboard him until he gave up bin Laden’s location. That was the Budget Director’s plan.

Lindsay Graham vowed Sunday to hold up the Secretary of Defense and CIA Director nominations. We could go four years without a Secretary of Defense or a CIA Director. Our entire defense will comprise of unmanned drones and a threat not to pay anyone back.

In other news, Palm Beach police arrested a man Wednesday for driving a motorized shopping cart while drunk down the aisles of a local WalMart superstore. What a scene. Now that the Kennedy family is out of government, they are trying to save money wherever they can.

Dr. Benjamin Carson of Johns Hopkins caused a stir at the National Prayer Breakfast Thursday when he called for a flat tax and private health accounts, with President Obama sitting right next to the surgeon at the dais. Democrats said the speaker gave neither Obama nor God any respect. Republicans said the same thing, but they gave God top billing.

Governor Rick Perry flew to California to try to woo California businesses to relocate to Texas. The arguments even out. Texans point out that they have no state income taxes, however Californians counter that we don’t have winters, and besides our prisons are so full that if you don’t pay your state income taxes, nothing will happen to you anyway.

Charlie Sheen aired a video Friday asking Los Angeles former cop Chris Dornan to stop his killing spree and give him a call and maybe get together. Aren’t we jumping the gun a little bit here? Generally you’re not allowed to party with Charlie Sheen in Los Angeles unless the jury comes back in the penalty phase with a verdict of lethal injection.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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