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Fun With The News: Carnival Cruise Liner & More

Feb 172013
 
 By , February 17, 2013
Fun With The News: Carnival Cruise Liner & More

In the news, Carnival Cruise liner Triumph had a fire in the engine room off Mexico that knocked out all electricity on the ship. The food went rancid and the sewage backed up. It defeats the whole idea of taking a cruise to Mexico when you can drive there and get the same effect.

Pope Benedict informed a church gathering Wednesday he will officially step down in March. It took a lot of character to exit the world stage like this. For centuries other pontiffs have been recommending the withdrawal method, but this pope leads by example.

The Atlanta Braves said Tuesday they will stop displaying the screaming Indian logo because they say it denigrates American Indians. No solution is ever perfect. They will replace it with a logo of an Asian Indian giving tech support to a white guy over the phone.

Rap star Chris Brown crashed his Porsche in an alley behind Good Shepherd Church in Beverly Hills Monday, say news reports. The police arrived and found the Porsche smashed to pieces. The cops checked his record on the computer and then asked him if he was dating the car.

Los Angeles fugitive cop killer Chris Dorner died in a fiery shootout in a cabin in Big Bear Friday. The week-long manhunt for the former cop had L.A. cops reaching for their guns whenever they saw a tall black guy. It’s an act of God that the Lakers were on the road.

The San Bernardino police surrounded cop killer Chris Dornan in a cabin in Big Bear and burned it to the ground. Everyone agreed he had it coming. The San Bernardino police are largely Protestants but that doesn’t keep them from celebrating Ash Wednesday.

Huffington Post news quoted anti-L.A. police leftists who said Chris Dorner was murdered by cops who set fire to the cabin to kill him intentionally. Proper protocols have been maintained. Identification of his body is being delayed until his next of kindling is notified.

California’s Oxnard High School suspended four kids for wearing U.S. flag bandanas and chanting USA at a game. They were cited for being culturally insensitive. The kids said they didn’t do anything wrong, and when they said it in English it doubled the penalty.

The Auto Club reported the news that gasoline prices reached an all-time high for the month of February. It’s just a temporary supply problem. The U.S. produces forty percent of the world’s oil, but we’ve only invaded twelve percent of the world’s oil-producing nations.

National Geographic geologists said Monday Asia will ram into America in a hundred million years and form one big continent. It gave Democrats a brand-new argument. What’s the point in paying off the national debt if China is going to repossess us anyway?

President Obama in his State of the Union speech called for more U.S. money to battle global poverty. He said many people in the world are forced to live on as little as one dollar a day. So it’s official, the president sends his brother in Kenya thirty bucks a month.

President Obama proposed one hundred and sixty billion dollars in added spending to create new middle class jobs. The middle class work ethic is history in some cities. In California everyone thinks the best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.