[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Go from preparing baby meals to preparing for the Navy SEALS
AUSTIN, TX — Are you a stay-at-home mom or dad? Do you have dreams of entering an elite division of the military like the U.S. Navy SEALS or the Green Berets but feel like you just don’t have the time to prepare? Well, now you can.
A popular news anchor and TV personality, Bev Jolt, who also happens to be a top physical trainer and top yoga expert. (You might know her as the one who invented the “yoghurt while you yoga.” It was called “Yogaghurt” and it basically strapped to your face like a plastic beard.) She has just published a 27-part training video called “Baby-Weights: Don’t Let Your Kid Keep You Down On Your Way Up!”
“I know parents,” declared Mrs. Jolt. “And it’s because I know parents that I made this video series. Most parents don’t just want to change poopy diapers. They want to shoot the leader of al Qaeda in the head or jump from a hovering heli onto the dusty plains of Afghanistan with the Navy SEALS in the middle of the night with AK47s being fired in their general vicinity. This video will get them there.”
According to Bev, it’s the real-life home training that gives these parents the edge that they need. It includes exercises like “The Sherpa” – where your kids are strapped to an ox harness around your neck as you run on an ever-increasing treadmill to “The Balboa” – that has you pulling ten or twenty little ones as a weight over a tree branch, to “The Counting Game” – where you’re bound and blindfolded at the bottom of the pool for 3 minutes while the kids get to work on their counting skills.
Baby-Weights is quickly catching on (especially in parts of Kentucky and West Virginia) and already boasts one huge success story.
“Yeah, I never thought I could make the Navy SEALS,” reported Michael Bean of Austin, Texas, “because I have three kids and a mortgage. But guess what? I did! This video took me from Special Pops to Special Ops in a matter of weeks. It’s amazing!”
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