[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
New acquisition seen as boost for NRA outreach, as well as leverage in Congress
The NRA has upped its political game with the acquisition of the Death Star made famous from the Star Wars movie franchise. Thought to have been totally destroyed following a second massive attack by impudent rebel forces in the third (or was it the sixth?) installment of the series, the killer man-made planet has apparently been repaired by laid-off Lucasfilm engineers, who were able to hobble it back together again.
Disney Corporation, the new owner of the Star Wars franchise, decided to sell off the now obsolete clunker, made old fashioned by the new, sportier planet-destroying models put forth by the film Avatar. Also, the aura surrounding the Death Star was un-Disneyesque.
“There is just no way we could turn it into a lovable character who could stroll the grounds of Disneyland hugging little kids and doing photo poses,” stated chief Manager of Cuddliness Micheal Lovemousey at the park. “We tried, but kids just went screaming for their parents at the mere sight of it. When you see too many parents saying “Please, Jennie, just go hug the Death Star so I can take a picture! See, he has his arms out. He’s not so bad!” — and they are bawling their eyes out and shrieking at decibels heard only by dogs, then you know it isn’t going to work out.”
The NRA, seeking to bring back much of the loyal fan base it lost after the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting, thought that by introducing something ‘really cool’ and super-macho to its wayward members, they would get back their street cred.
The NRA first tried to get the all purpose multi-destructors from Avatar that would better serve their members due to their mobile ability to get up close and personal with their targets before shooting them. They decided against it, because they felt the movies basic nature loving, anti-military story would rub many of their remaining loyal constituents the wrong way. Also, director James Cameron said that he would “rather chew my arm off” than sell any of them to the NRA.
Engineers repairing the damaged Death Star stated that although the ship looked like it had been totally obliterated in the final scene, it really wasn’t that much worse off than it had been after the first rebel attack. “There was, of course, extensive damage to the lower right quadrant of the sphere, but that has been contained and sealed off, making the Death Star once again operational,” Jason Fixall, Chief Engineer of the Desperately Seeking Work On Technologies That Don’t Even Exist Yet Trade Union informed us. “It is true that the hot water isn’t working and the tennis courts are a jumble, but we can live with that.”
The NRA is inviting all its members to a low cost, fun-filled ride throughout the universe in its new purchase. NRA officials took a test run last Thursday, hyper-spacing to another galaxy and destroying a few planets to try out the system. “It all went well,” said David Keene, head of the NRA. “Well, except for the fistfights over who was going to be the one to destroy Cetaurus Magnus in the Rinius Sector.”
The NRA will take its members out next month for a week long spin. NRA spokesperson Wayne LaPierre is sure that the event will be a big bang, “in many more ways than one.”
“One thing we learned from our test run is that it is a much bigger kick shooting planets with living things on it. Just blasting empty planetary rocks with no live forms doesn’t give the same charge that one gets with annihilating actual creatures and humanoids on one that does!” said LaPierre. This interview would have gone on, but another fight broke out over who would get to blast the Avatar planet Pandora as it came into view.
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