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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

New Social Networking Site, AIDS, Spreading Rapidly

Feb 242013
 
 By , February 24, 2013

Experts agree social networking is contagious

Mark Zuckerberg suddenly has more to worry about than Google+. A new social networking platform, AIDS (Aggregated Individuals in a Digital Sewer), is spreading ten times faster than Facebook in its prime.

“The name sucks,” said Jessica Sarcomi, “but the site is just so infectious!”

aids social networkingAlmost overnight AIDS has acquired 1.2 million members, a figure that will soon overtake the number of Americans who suffer with real AIDS.

While this will be an important milestone, the founder, Vladimir Bienkowski, believes the day is not far off when the social networking site will have 34.1 million members, exceeding the number of people dying of AIDS worldwide. “Then we’ll crack open the Dom Perignon,” Bienkowski said. “For we’ll know we’ve given AIDS a complete lifestyle-makeover.”

From the start Bienkowski was committed to rebranding AIDS. He wanted to make it seem more festive than Spring Break in Cancun. When the hedge fund managers he solicited for start-up capital suggested his ambitions were foolhearted, he reminded them that the site Ashley Madison had accomplished a similar feat with cheating on your spouse. Was AIDS really any worse than flagrant infidelity?

Some social networking media experts attribute the popularity of AIDS to the trendsetting interface. Members get listed as either IV Drug Users, Blood Transfusion Victims, Raw Doggers, or, in certain sad cases, AIDS Babies. This sounds worse than it is. For, by making light of such an awful condition, the site allows those with AIDS and those afraid of acquiring it to revel in each other’s company in a way that seems impossible on some third-rate Web MD chat room.

“I love how AIDS doesn’t take itself seriously,” said Al Marx, an investment banker at Credit Suisse, “you meet interesting people, infect them and watch them die of Kaposi’s Sarcoma, and the next day you’re on the golf course together ironing out a billion dollar deal.”

It’s that mix of silliness, taboo-busting, and old-fashioned social networking that has made AIDS a global epidemic. What is more, the AIDS clinics on the site, where members can have their social networking profiles treated by ‘socialite doctors’ have helped the company make a killing…many times over.

Bienkowski feels the next step is expanding the global brand.  “We intend to become the corporate sponsor for AIDS walks, AIDS lectures…re-released albums by Eazy-E. You name it.” Bienkowski is even considering co-sponsoring a commercial for a hearing aid that would have a graphic at the bottom read, “brought to you by the type of AIDS you really need.”

After watching a meth addict turn down a bag of dope because he was too busy lowering his t-cell count on the AIDS site a final appeal of the platform became apparent. AIDS is seriously addictive. Once it gets a hold of you it takes over. Most members plan on having AIDS until the day they die.

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Matt Nagin is an author, educator, actor, filmmaker and standup comedian. He has been published in Writer's Digest, The New York Post, .Mic, The Humor Times, The Higgs-Weldon, Grain Magazine, Arsenic Lobster, Spillway, Dash, Antigonish Review and many, many more. He also wrote and directed his first short film, "Inside Job," which premiered at The Mediterranean Film Festival Cannes, where it won Best Short Film. More info at mattnagin.com.

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  • J.N.

    Great informative article. Didn’t realize the different options other than facebook. Now that i know, perhaps I’ll try aids out and see how I like it.

  • johnny blaze

    I’ll aids book you.

  • Bart S.

    Interesting article! I like your writing style.

  • Dave

    This article was contagious!