[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
We’ll have to wait until next year for more dreamy Oscar magic. Until then…
Well, the Oscars have come and gone and left us all waiting breathlessly (with questions) until next year. Questions like: Who is going to fall? Who is going to kiss? Who is going to get snubbed? Will the snubs get kissed? Will they combine all of them into one awkward snub-n-kiss-n-fall-a-thon?
Since this royal show can’t go on forever, all that we can do now is reminisce on our favorite moments. Here are some of mine:
1. When George Clooney (aka George “Dreamyface”) looked into the camera I knew he was really looking at me. Stupid model girlfriend.
2. When it took the guys at least 10 seconds to come over and help Jennifer Lawrence after she fell (most likely because everyone went into Hunger Games mode for a split second–I know I did).
3. When Bassey sang “Goldfinger” and the Oscar statue secretly smiled because he knew he was the only one in the place with a real gold finger.
4. When George Clooney grew a beard.
5. When they finally created a category for best “key grip.”
6. When they flashed a “bathroom break” sign during awards for people no one cared about.
7. When everyone realized Adele could sing better in a coma than anyone else on stage.
8. When the Cheshire Cat, Alice, et al, appeared beside Kristen Stewart and promptly took her down the rabbit hole.
9. When Captain Kirk predicted the future.
10. When “men’s choir” finally came out of the closet.
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