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Argus Hamilton on the News: Cyprus, Lohan and Much More

Mar 232013
 By , March 23, 2013
Argus Hamilton on the News: Cyprus, Lohan and Much More

In the news, Cyprus agreed to seize ten percent of the money in high-level Cyprus bank accounts to avoid bankruptcy. It’s an outrageous seizure of private property. The White House issued a statement immediately saying that President Obama is always looking for fresh new ideas.

Prince William told an interviewer Monday he hopes the baby is a girl, however Kate Middleton wants a boy. When this future monarch is born the jubilation will be felt worldwide. One of the little lies that Protestants tell the world is that we don’t have a pope.

Arnold Palmer has dinner tonight with swimsuit model Kate Upton after she signed to endorse his iced tea, say news reports. He waited until Tiger Woods committed to Lindsay Vonn, and then he trumps him with the hottest-looking chick in America. That’s why Arnie is the king.

Lindsay Lohan was given six weeks to find a three-month rehab by her Beverly Hills judge Tuesday. Until then she’s reportedly joining the TV show Anger Management. It’s nothing unusual in Los Angeles to spend time with Charlie Sheen just before you go to rehab.

The U.S. Senate tried to save the Senate barber shop from being eliminated in the new budget bill Tuesday. Critics note the Senate barber shop lost three hundred and fifty thousand dollars last year. That makes it the most profitable agency in the U.S. government.

Also in the news, Lululemon women’s sportswear recalled their lycra-and-nylon women’s yoga pants Monday because the fabric accidentally came out see-through. It was embarrassing. Their retail stores conduct women’s yoga classes, and they were starting to draw cash tips.

Golf Channel will test a tiny helicopter drone which hovers over a golfer and records everything. They’ll help PGA wives keep an eye on their husbands from home. There will be so many helicopters in the air in the country club bar it’ll look like the fall of Saigon.

President Obama filled out his bracket card for the NCAA basketball tournament this week. ESPN had to analyze his selections by four o’clock. Whenever the president is picking winners and losers, investors have to scamper to sell before the market closes.

President Obama’s limo wouldn’t start at Ben Gurion Airport Wednesday after they rolled it off the U.S. transport plane, say news reports. It turns out the Israeli ground crew filled it up with the wrong type of fuel and it wouldn’t start. They filled the tank with water instead of wine.

President Obama said Wednesday he’s waiting to see evidence of chemical weapons used in Syria. He said that Syria’s stockpile of weapons of mass destruction has him worried. We no sooner have Dick Cheney off the stage and the orchestra plays him back on.

The New York Post reported Tuesday that two children of Civil War veterans are still alive and receiving benefits. They’re ninety, and their fathers were in their eighties when they sired the children. They didn’t go see the movie Lincoln because once is enough.

Russia’s Vladimir Putin halted the Cyprus bank account seizure which Germany had demanded to secure a loan. This is great. The nice thing about Russia squaring off against Germany is that it puts junior varsity teams like Iran and North Korea in the proper context.

USA Today news said Hollywood studios are releasing three movies this summer in which terrorists attack the White House. The attackers are North Koreans, domestic terrorists and a mole. It turns out the real reason they canceled the Easter Egg roll and White House tours is that they’ve rented the building to a movie company for ten thousand dollars a day.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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