[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Visiting Mr. Potato Head in his penthouse at the Farmer’s Market in Manhattan, he spills the beans on his illustrious life
Today we interview that star of toy stores and famed actor from the films Toy Story 1,2 and 3, Mr. Potato Head!
A hearty greetings to you, Mr. Potato Head! Thank you for doing this interview with us. Where is it you are from?
Illinois, but my roots are in Idaho.
I have heard that you had a tough childhood. What did you do growing up?
I got let out of the bag at a young age. When I was a young spud I used to go out and get roasted a lot. Then I was in the underground for a while. No more of that now that I’m older.
I understand that your father went on the skids.
Actually more like out on a pallet. He went bad and was used to make cheap vodka. Very sad.
I see that you were once arrested in Iowa.
Yes, it is rather embarrassing. I had what they call ‘conduct unbecoming’ with an underage rutabaga. It turns out she wasn’t quite ripe. But they dropped the charges because she was indecently exposed — came out above ground before her time.
Why didn’t you catch onto that? You shouldn’t have let that happen.
Hey man, it’s not like I have eyes in the back of my head, you know! Well, actually, I do, but they don’t work like regular eyes.
Were you ever married?
I was married for a while, but she was bruised, became a vegetable and they took her away.
So you first shot to fame in the fifties as a novelty toy.
Yeah, I had face-altering abilities before Micheal Jackson was even born. It was a natural talent because I grew up in a rough neighborhood where people would rearrange your face for you. People don’t know it, but I was actually an inspiration for a lot of Picasso drawings.
But that served you well in your later career.
Yes, it did. Whenever the coppers would put out a wanted poster on me I would just change my facial features. Wait a minute — which career were you talking about?
I understand that you were the first toy ever advertised on television?
That is correct! With that, I raised the bar for vegetables everywhere. No longer were we thought of as simple fodder.
What do you think of Hollywood?
You have to be careful or they will make hash out of you there. It is the sort of business where you can get baked real easy. They’ll skin you if you don’t watch out for yourself.
How did you like working with Tom Hanks?
It was hard to keep a straight face with him around, which for me is a career threat.
Why is it that after the last Toy Story movie we haven’t seen much of you?
Ah, yeah. My career ended shortly thereafter, when I tried to dance the mashed potato. It is OK for humans to do this, but quite hazardous for someone who is a potato himself to do.
Do you have any strong political feelings?
Oh, do I! I am really fried at the French over this Iraq business. I say, if they can’t stand the heat, stay the hell out of the frying pan. I never like their name being used to describe a potato food. We potatoes are proud of being American before Columbus ever got here.
I understand you got into the restaurant business for awhile.
Yeah, I did. But I got scalloped! Man, did they ever fry me!
Are there any famous figures that you look down upon?
Oh yeah! Spuds Mackenzie. He gives dogs a bad name!
Do you have any desire to go further in the movie business?
I’ve been offered to be in a skin flick, but I don’t know. I would have to peel in it.
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