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Argus Hamilton comments on the news

Jul 062011
 
 By , July 6, 2011

Great Britain unveiled a huge statue of Ronald Reagan in front of the U.S. Embassy Monday in London. The plaque reads that Reagan defeated communism without firing a shot. Nothing scared the Soviet Union like a seventy-eight-year-old man who was willing to die for his country.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s hotel maid rape accuser was revealed Friday to be a hooker who lied on her asylum papers and laundered drug money. The narrative quickly changed from the evil rich to the evil poor. Dominique Strauss-Kahn is now qualified to play lacrosse for Duke.

Alex Rodriguez denied reports Sunday he played in high-stakes poker games with movie stars. He was caught playing in them six years ago. Suspicions were raised last week when he promised a sick child in the hospital that he would fill an inside straight for him that very night.

Tiger Woods held a press conference Monday to say won’t return to the PGA Tour until his knee is healed. He’s getting a lot of encouragement. Bill Clinton called and told him to pace himself on the golf tour, reminding him that the sport of adultery is bigger than any one athlete.

Prince William took part in Navy exercises in Canada Monday, landing a chopper on the ocean for the first time, and then he did it again blindfolded. This is nuts. Prince William is supposed to succeed the King of England when he dies, not the star of Jackass when he dies.

The White House upped car mileage standards to push Detroit to make more hybrid and electric cars. It’s to reduce our dependence on oil. Engineers at Ford Motors just invented a new engine that can run on water, but so far it only runs on water from the Yellowstone River.

Exxon Mobil plugged up a ruptured oil pipe in Montana Saturday but not before it leaked into the Yellowstone River. It’s a GOP state. That explains why President Obama reacted to the spill by forcing Exxon Mobil to pay two billion dollars to restaurant owners in New Orleans.

Hillary Clinton joined the fight for Saudi women’s rights last week as Saudi women urged the United Nations to pressure King Abdullah for the right to drive. They still live in a very medieval society. Saudi women who press Available on Facebook risk getting their finger cut off.

Reverend Robert Schuller was ousted from the board of the Crystal Cathedral Monday. He founded the church fifty-six years ago at an Orange County drive-in. Couples who went to sleep necking at the drive-in movie the night before woke up thinking they were at their own funeral.

Al Gore gave a speech Friday shifting the blame for global warming to human population growth. Giving up the air conditioner and giving up gas-powered cars isn’t enough to save this planet, Al wants us to stop having sex. You might as well tell the Earth to make out its will.

President Obama begins using Twitter today in a town-hall meeting at the White House. His aides must write all his Tweets for him. By the time Obama is finished blaming Bush and blaming the Republicans he doesn’t have enough characters left to blame Wall Street.

Texas officials angered Mexico Monday by advising tourists to avoid Nuevo Laredo due to drug cartel violence. Their cops are incredibly brave. The sheriff of Nuevo Laredo has been shot so many times that when he comes home at night his wife uses him for flower arrangements.

Riverside county official Jeff Stone proposed seceding from California with eight other counties to form South California. It’s a movement to escape high taxes and responsibility for illegal aliens that could spread. By the time everybody finishes seceding from California, Illinois and New York, Barack Obama’s remark that he’s visited all fifty-seven states will have turned out to be psychic.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.