[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
May answer the riddle as to Kim Jong-Un’s whereabouts in North Korea
North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un has been absent from the news for going on two weeks now, and rumors about his absence range from the fact that he got a bad haircut and is waiting for it to grow back properly, ala Elvis style, to being heartbroken over the fact that he won’t allow Toyota to export their latest models to his country, thereby leaving him to continue driving an inferior 1997 Kia Rio to all major events.
However, the truth was finally leaked this weekend, when word got out that North Korea’s official defense contractor has been using up Un’s valuable time personally fitting him for his own personal line of defense weapons, from assault rifles, to assault tanks, to James Bond-type personal jet packs.
The issue of Kim Jong-Un’s size came up during Dennis Rodman’s visit to North Korea. Upon showing off for the former basketball great, it was discovered that Un could not reach the peddles on the tank or see over the steering wheel, resulting in an embarrassing moment when the tank the two compadres were riding in crashed into a squid stand, sending seafood flying into the marketplace.
While Rodman assured his BFF that size never really mattered, the accident left an emotional scar, not to mention the embarrassing walk back to Un’s Kia to drive back to the royal palace for a dinner of shrimp and wieners. No one had the guts to discuss the disastrous one-on-one basketball game between Un and Rodman before the tank incident either. Seems Un is only able to get the ball anywhere near the net by throwing it from between his legs like a 10-year old girl.
Thank God Rodman has been smart enough during the few games they’ve played to keep this tidbit to himself and compliment Un on his unique shooting skills.
With regards to the specially-fitted military weaponry, Reporters say they are looking forward to the unveiling, and Kim’s ability to operate the tank in a safer manner at an upcoming military parade where Rodman is expected to show up in full Korean military dress to honor the quirky, yet scariest little dictator to come along in a very long time.
When asked why he is returning to see the Supreme leader again, Rodman candidly let loose that he and Un had almost a Michael Jackson sleepover moment during his last visit that both thoroughly enjoyed.
“Last time I was there, we got out the camo blankets and draped them over chairs and other furniture in the living room and played Battleship for hours,” said Rodman, adding “I can’t remember when I’ve had such a great time. That little guy has a mind like a trap door. He is pretty darned adept at sinking my battleships.”
Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un is said to be out shopping for Jeeps on the black market. China may have turned him away, but word has it that there are a couple of ex-pats living in Panama who are willing to sell him their 1950s Jeep Willy for a cool couple thousand. All it needs is a new tranny and it’ll be better than anything he’s seen so far in previous used-car shopping trips to Havana. Rodman is said to be excited as hell for the little North Korean dictator and is even shopping around for a Kim Jong Un bobble head for the dash once the deal’s been settled.
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