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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Stars: Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now

Apr 262013
 
 By , April 26, 2013

What are some humans called “stars”?

We’ve lived on this planet for thirty-five years now, and though we have easily adopted their mannerisms, assumed their practices, and assimilated their languages, we think it’s safe to say there are some things that we will never understand — as sure as Rumyliak has three suns and Gorpin was a grifter. Lately, we have become increasingly fascinated (as much as a Rumyliakan can be fascinated, huhuhu) with what terrestrians call “Celebrities” or “Stars.”

star jenn lawrenceFor the longest time, we thought the humans were reviving the study of Astrology because of their constant references to the stars.  Only later did Mhkkiklab point out that they were actually referring to people.  And so, logically, our subsequent debate was on whether or not these particular humans had a higher atomic number count than most.  Needless to say, we were flummoxed.

Only after a long conversation with our neighbor, Barbie, did we come close to elucidation.

“These ‘stars’ that you call them, does their epidermis glow in the dark?” we inquired.

“Haha. No, sillies, they’re people, just like us,” she answered.

To which we queried, “Then why refer to them as heavenly bodies?”

“Um, because they’re, like, awesome,” she said. “P.S. — You guys are weird, you know.”

“Bless you,” we replied.  “Now back to the cosmic balls of space gas we were discussing.  Do they have any special powers or abilities?”

“Have you seen Silver Linings Playbook?!  Jennifer Lawrence was amazing!” Barbie shrieked.

“Not computing.  Pulling up “Jennifer Lawrence” now.  Ah yes, she is a human actor.  So basically you’re saying that humans who mimic really well are considered dazzling orbs of nuclear energy?”

“Umm…Yes?”

Here is an excerpt from one reputable gossip magazine located on their internet (a very primitive form of virtual networking confined to this planet alone, huhu) which underscores the wild public obsession with these particular homo-sapiens:

“We at Iron E-OMG! would just like to say one thing: Jennifer Lawrence (aka J. Law aka Lawlaw aka Hungie Games), WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN GIRLFRIEND?!

It’s been over a month since the Academy Award winner has graced us with her fabulousity…”

This goes on interminably.  Velailiel and Mhkkiklab out.

*End of transmission

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Jeff Boldt is an English teacher living in China and the writer and editor of Iron E-News, a website dedicated to that ever-abiding alternate bizarro world -- at times all too closely mirroring our own.

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