[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
New NRA spokesman Kim Jong Un’s first speech Oscar-worthy
In need of a new spokesman so fiery he can burn people with his tongue alone and can intimidate a whole nation, the NRA has chosen North Korean leader Kim Jong Un to replace the nerdy Wayne LaPierre as their propaganda head. The NRA has long looked for a speaker who can inflame the passion of legal destruction in people’s hearts and woo them in any direction wished and make it seem patriotic, even if that direction is ultimately catastrophic to the nations fabric.
Kim Jong Un, a lover of showmanship and in need of foreign money now that North Korea has cut itself off from its trading partner South Korea, eagerly jumped at the chance to make some big time dough while showing off his rhetorical talents. The NRA in turn got a ruthless showman who was all show and no substance, who was without moral constraints and did not care if his actions were harmful to the people of the nation; in other words exactly the type of front man the NRA needs and loves.
His first speech was already Oscar worthy, even watered down through an interpreter not entirely in sync with the North Korean dialect – “Slimy traitors to your nation! You have the gall to challenge those patriots who protect you with their guns while you watch Modern Family on the television and download pornography in the basement where your wife can’t see you? Rabies ridden dogs! You and the next three generations of your family should be made to collect seaweed from the beach and maggots from dead wood to feed the real men and women who stand for your country. Cowardly slugs that feed on excrement! You must join with and follow the wondrous true path that the NRA lays before your feet to trod- the road to true freedom.”
“You bring shame to your families and to your ancestors with your selfish crying over those killed by the bullets of patriots guns! They were sacrifices to the greater good of the gun companies,” said Kim Jong Un. “How can you be so petty and selfish? Those family and friends of yours who died were sacrifices for all! Their blood feeds the soil from which more munitions factory workers will come from to carry on this great tradition of producing guns of mass destruction. As the glorious Leader Mao once said and I know myself to be true “True power comes out of the barrel of a gun!”
As thanks for single-handedly increasing NRA membership 15% and for intimidating all opponents to the point of them afraid to put forth more gun regulations, the NRA leaders awarded Kim Jong Un five million dollars and all the assault rifles he could take back on the plane with him. The first million didn’t make it past the prostitutes and liquor stores of West D.C. and the assault rifles soon made hash of anything within 2 miles south of the DMZ six hours after Kim’s plane returned to Pyongyang.
A last minute news item has just reached us – Our Washington sources are saying that top NRA officials are cutting a deal with Kim Jong Un to produce small, mass market atom bombs that the NRA can peddle to its constituents. The NRA is already priming its lawyers on how to stifle any voices raised against this new development as quickly and ruthlessly as possible.
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