[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“Everything he says stinks,” say opponents of mayor with halitosis
Jonathan D. Lumquist, known to have the most horrendous case of halitosis in public service history, has nevertheless overcome the odds and was elected Mayor of Lincoln, Nebraska, last Tuesday. His opponent was said to have called him to congratulate him on the win even though the two were in the same room when the results were announced.
Lumquist had been a City councilman in Lincoln for several months last year before the other members on the council decided they could not stand his incredibly horrid breath, and decided to try and have him removed from the council. As a reason for the dismissal action, they cited poor personal hygiene habits.
While Lumquist, a single man who never was able to find a partner who would stay with him for more than a few months, never denied that his breath was horrendous due to halitosis, nonetheless sued the City and his fellow councilmen.
Lumquist not only won the case and a couple million dollars in punitive damages, but he decided to run for Mayor of Lincoln, to prove to his fellow councillians that poor personal hygiene is not a reason for voting someone out of office, and the Judge in the case agreed with Lumquist that if they could not stand the smell of his breath, they could communicate with him via cell phone. In fact, the Judge conducted all communications with Lumquist at trial via cell phone and found nothing burdensome about the arrangement.
As part of the settlement agreement, Lumquist would be sworn in as Mayor of Lincoln immediately. The City would be required to specially fit Lumquist’s office with anti-odor mechanisms, and anyone wishing to see the Mayor could do so by telephone or in person if, according to the edict, “they could stand the stench.”
Surprisingly, shortly after Mayor Lumquist received the $2 million in punitive damages, a woman by the name of Misty Twisty became engaged to the Mayor. Miss Twisty is a former pole dancer on the outskirts of town and after hearing about Mr. Lumquist’s inability to find a wife, offered to marry him so long as the vows were exchanged via telephone. Mr. Lumquist was agreeable to those terms and the marriage has been set for two weeks from the date of his swearing in as Mayor.
Sources for Miss Twisty claim the Mayoral mansion is receiving a makeover whereby the bride and groom will have their own bedrooms. Consummation of the marriage has been discussed, but details have not yet been released to the press. However, it has been mentioned that a possible consummation via Skype could be legal under the circumstances.
Mayor Lumquist has mentioned spending a large portion of his $2 Million award on a possible cure for his halitosis and disgusting breath, which many believe would force Ms. Twisty to walk away from the marriage.
At any rate, the most important fact stemming from this case is that people can no longer be forced from their jobs due to smelly body parts. The International Union of Italian Garlic Mincers are particularly interested in the outcome of this case as they can no longer be discriminated against due to the odor emanating from their hands. In fact, it was the UIGM amicus brief filed during the proceedings that helped the Judge come to his decision in favor of the Plaintiff.
On his first day as Mayor, Mayor Lumquist issued an edict that asked his fellow civilians to stop sending him bottles of Listerine and Scope.
“Don’t you think that if those products would help, I would never have had to sue in the first place?” said the newly elected Mayor, while giving a speech during the third annual Limburger Cheese Festival in Lincoln which, by the way, has always been Lumquist’s favorite festival.
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