[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Sandusky calls prison “Way better than I expected”
FRANKLIN TOWNSHIP, PA — When 14 year-old Joey Patrick found out earlier this year that the cancer he had struggled with for the last two years was no longer in remission, he told his parents that his last wish was to experience what so many healthy boys his age were able to enjoy without the looming specter of death clouding their every movement. He wanted to have sex with Jerry Sandusky.
“I knew he was curious about sex, and I was heartbroken at the thought that he might not live long enough to experience the beauty of his first sexual encounter,” says Donna Patrick, Joey’s mother, “I will admit that I was a little surprised when he told me he wanted his first time to be with Jerry Sandusky, but how could I say no to my child?”
Unsure who to turn to for help in fulfilling her child’s dying request, Ms. Patrick called Father Adam Ryan, the priest at her local parish, who was able to put her in touch with the people at the Make-A-Wish foundation.
“Father Ryan was so helpful,” Patrick says, “He even gave me a list of names of men who would be happy to step in if Jerry Sandusky was unable to help us.”
Sandusky’s participation was never in doubt, Ms. Patrick soon discovered. When she contacted Warren Krompf, chief talent officer at Make-A-Wish, she was informed that hers was a common request.
“Coach Sandusky has become one of our most popular celebrities for the kids,” Krompf says, “The attention he gives makes them feel so special.”
The day after she spoke with Krompf, Ms. Patrick was driving Joey to Greene State Prison, where Sandusky is currently serving a life sentence for child rape, for his rendezvous with the legendary coach. Patrick says her son could barely contain his excitement during the trip.
“He was so worked up,” she says, “His eyes were so alive, and his skin was flushed. He was making a lot of Happy Valley jokes on the drive.”
Ms. Patrick says Joey and Jerry spent a few minutes getting to know one another before heading off to the prison shower for a little horseplay. Soon they retired to Sandusky’s cell, where they spent several hours alone. She says when Joey finally emerged late in the afternoon, walking a little stiffly but no worse for the wear, he was awash in a happy contentedness unlike any she had ever seen on him.
“Now I can die in peace,” Joey says, “I really was able to understand all the things that made him such a great coach. He’s so generous in his teaching. It may sound like a cliché, but I truly believe that man could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.”
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