[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Eric Holder’s DOJ to investigate behavior of DOJ
Startling information has come to light regarding the Department Of Justice (DOJ) Attorney General Eric Holder’s seizure of months of AP phone records as well as his targeting of investigative journalists such as James Rosen and David Sanger for attempting to, apparently, investigate.
Upon reading about the entire ordeal in his morning paper, the president initiated an immediate response: namely, a thorough and penetrating investigation of DOJ policies and actions toward journalists, by the DOJ.
In other words, Eric Holder will now have to answer…to himself.
“I am very disturbed by what I’ve been reading,” president Obama admitted candidly. “We value freedom of the press, and to prove that we are committed to ensuring our–excuse me–its protection, I’ve tasked Attorney General Holder with heading the investigation. If anyone can get inside the DOJ, it’s Eric.”
According to an anonymous inside source, the mood at the Department of Justice during the 45 day review could only have been described as “tense”.
“Wow, right after the president authorized the investigation,” our source revealed, “the General screamed for himself to get in his office right away. Then, after slamming the door, we heard things like ‘I’m not messing around, Holder!’ and ‘Do you wanna be back fighting over scraps with the interns?!’ and even ‘You’re lying! I can tell when you’re lying!’ It was intense. We thought Mr. Holder was going to fire himself for sure.”
“And then, right after he left the Chief’s office, the Chief (that’s what we call him) came over to me and said, ‘I want you to seize Mr. Holder’s phone and email records and put a tap at his home and workplace. I don’t trust that guy.'”
Apparently, these scare tactics went on for weeks at the DOJ, to the extent that they even had a “chilling effect” on the entire department staff.
“We couldn’t do our jobs,” admitted one DOJ worker. “We knew that we were supposed to be targeting investigative reporters but we were afraid that we would be investigated for investigating the investigators.”
However, to the relief and surprise of Mr. Holder, the administration, and the entire country, after an unparalleled search of everything inside the department, all parties involved have apparently come out clean.
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