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The Latest Thing in Human Evolution: Interchangeable Body Parts

Jun 062013
 By , June 6, 2013

Economic stimulus: Body parts stores would crop up everywhere

According to Genesis, God made man out of the dust of the earth and woman out of Adams rib – not an especially impressive start.

Interchangeable Body Parts would be nice

If only we could be more like Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head!

But in the thousands of years since then, things have changed and so have we humans. In Adam and Eve’s time, they only needed to wear fig leaves to survive the environment, until you-know-who came along. Nowadays one almost needs a suit of armor.

What would it be like if God were to make a new, improved model of man, with interchangeable body parts – just like Ford and GM do with their cars each year? If the possibility ever comes up, here are some suggestions that we would like to offer:

A removable nose – one that can be detached when one was a cold. It can then be left overnight in a warm glass of water like dentures are.

A snorkel-like appendage on the back of the head, so that one can swim without taking one’s head out of the water.

Removable teeth – for painless and convenient dental work. Just drop the pearly whites off and pick them up when the doc is finished.

Internal organ body parts with quick-release mechanisms for quicker and safer operations and transplants.

Collapsible or expandable bones so that it is easier to make clothing fit.

A neck with a 360 degree turning radius for easier seeing ability. Would be a real boon for car drivers, sentries, spies and snipers.

Sliding buttocks that can be moved to whatever part of the body needs a cushion. Removable ones would make great ersatz pillows.

Retractable or enlargeable hair – so that one can change his or her hair quickly into the latest fashion.

Sexual organs relocated to the knee area for easier access and maneuverability.

Teflonized hair that would stay dry in the rain and never need combing.

Multi-layered skin as thick as a rhino’s on our feet, so that we don’t need shoes in any kind of weather.

A flat, horizontal bone-like area in front of stomach for holding food plates while we are eating, beverage cups when drinking, books when reading or small TV’s.

Extra pair of eyelids to shut out annoying lights at night. Also would come in handy when getting eye poked by the Three Stooges.

A second mouth so that one can talk and eat simultaneously. Would also be good for bulimics who want to keep on eating while they throw up.

An extendable neck for seeing over fences or into second story windows. Great for peeping Toms and private investigators.

A third hand and forearm located on the back of the neck for scratching those hard to reach places on the back.

Expandable belly buttons for easy cleaning would be a nice feature.

Double-jointed knee body parts for more siting possibilities. They would revolutionize yoga and add an entirely new dimension to the fine art of contortion.

Interchangeable muscles for different forms of work or sport. Would also be great to have spares for athletic competitions or marathons.

Detachable arms with various other places on the body for mounting. Arms that can be put on one’s back would revolutionize basketball dribbling.

Lips on the end of the nose to make it easier to kiss. This would also make them easier to find in the dark, for secretive smooching, and would form a protective buffer for when one bumps his nose.

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Roger Freed has a fertile, if somewhat warped, imagination. Read him at your own risk! More laugh gaffes available at Semi-Humorous Humor. For something in a more serious mode get "The Book Of Songs" by Roger Freed from A collection of short stories illustrating the subtle and powerful influence music can have on our minds and our spirits.

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