[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Keeping schools safe: Yet another student arrested
Hunter Spanjer, who also goes by “Little John Wayne” or the “Tiny Terminator,” depending on the social situation, became the latest student arrested for bringing firearms onto school property. Although, to be clear, it wasn’t an “arm,” it was his finger, so the technical term should probably be “firefinger.”
Nebraska school officials, upon receiving a tip at the time of the incident, quickly notified the authorities of the imminent danger to their campus and possible hostage situation that was taking place.
According to Hunter’s teacher, each of the students were required to come to the front of the class and introduce themselves to everyone. Madness ensued.
“The child came up and began his introduction — I didn’t think anything was wrong or off about it. But, as he was signing his name, that’s when I saw it. I screamed, ‘He’s got a gun!’ and leapt behind my desk for cover.”
In ten minutes, a SWAT team was inside the school with a hostage negotiator. However, after learning that he meant no harm but had only brought them in to sign his name, they convinced Hunter to “put his fingers” down, thus completely diffusing a tense and possibly explosive situation.
“We had heard a rumor earlier that day,” one official revealed, “that Hunter had flashed one of his weapons during a heated game of rock, paper, scissors, substituting it for the much disputed ‘dynamite’ move — which is both illegal in the game and extremely dangerous, by the way.”
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