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Argus Hamilton Comments on the News: Paula Deen & Much More

Jun 232013
 
 By , June 23, 2013
Argus Hamilton Comments on the News: Paula Deen & Much More

Paula Deen & the N-word and much more

Paula Deen said she uses the N-word when joking and suggested that black waiters dress like slaves. Things even out. Paula Deen may be paternalistic toward blacks but her recipes have killed more white people than General Grant and O.J. Simpson combined.

Oakland A’s owners demanded league permission to move the team to San Jose after Sunday’s pre-game stadium sewage spill. Both teams had to use the NFL Raiders locker room. As often as the Radiers get busted for drugs, you know that the toilets flush just fine.

The American Medical Association classified obesity a disease Tuesday. The country is forty pounds overweight per capita. Young people won’t believe this, but there was a time in the Seventies when two people could get into the hot tub without flooding the patio.

The FBI foiled a plot by a GE technician to kill President Obama with an X-ray bomb after the Ku Klux Klan heard his plan and tipped off the feds. This is the last straw for liberals. President Obama has turned out to be so conservative that the Klan’s got his back.

The White House announced Wednesday that the U.S. and the Taliban have agreed to hold peace talks in Afghanistan soon. The enemy’s demands are simple. They want the same weapons we’re giving the Taliban in Syria or they are filing a discrimination suit.

NFL owner Bob Kraft says Vladimir Putin stole his Super Bowl ring a few years back when they met in the Kremlin. It’s now a major incident. This week President Obama should have used his outdoor speech in Berlin to challenge Mr. Putin to give back that ring.

President Obama got a cold and unreceptive crowd in Berlin Wednesday when only four thousand people turned out to hear him at the Brandenburg Gate. They’re very mad at us. It turns out we never paid them royalties for using East Germany’s spy program.

Martin Sheen urged the president to get rid of the U.S. nucelar arsenal Tuesday. Last year he led a protest parade in Hollywood with tape over his mouth. He wanted to show the world at least one member of the Sheen family can still breathe through his nose.

FBI agents failed to find Jimmy Hoffa buried in a Detroit yard Tuesday. He controlled all trucking, he built Las Vegas hotels with union loans to mobsters and he infuriated Democrats by backing Richard Nixon who pardoned him. The point is, everyone killed him.

Iran president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will step down for Iran’s just-elected President Rahani. Iran’s president was an extremist whose motto was Death to America but the new guy is a moderate. His followers carry posters calling for Irritable Bowel Syndrome for America.

Men’s Wearhouse stock fell Tuesday after the board fired founder and TV spoksman George Zimmer. It’s obvious why. Men’s Wearhouse fired George Zimmer because they found an identical brandname bearded guy for half the price of the retail bearded guy.

The IRS prompted a public outcry Tuesday by announcing plans to give out seventy million dollars in performance bonuses this week to IRS agents, IRS supervisors and IRS employees. It’s not much at all. You wouldn’t do that job for just a dollar a conservative.

President Obama gave a speech in Northern Ireland Tuesday where he said Catholic schools and Protestant schools promote divisiveness. He’s living proof. Barack Obama attended a private religious school, and today half the country wants Obama to always be president and the other half want to ask Queen Elizabeth to forgive us and take us back.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.