[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
America Divided East and West, Right-winger and Leftist, in News of the Future
News of the Future, April, 2018 — Many changes have come to America in the years since the second Civil War in 2017. As you well know the increasing partisan tensions between the Democrats and Republicans, brewing in intensity for the last 50 years finally reached their zenith and prompted the great divide that split our once mighty land into two hostile parts.
The Republicans, so well entrenched in the Washington, D.C. area and the South, claimed all American lands east of the Mississippi River and Alaska; while the Democrats took control of all the lands west of the Mississippi. Hawaii demanded independence which was granted, then was immediately invaded and taken over by mainland China who promptly closed schools and government buildings and forced everyone to work in sweatshops making products for the rest of what used to be the U.S.
In alignment with the agreement of the separation, Washington was to receive all nuclear stockpiles anywhere in the former USA. The West complied and had all within their realm shipped to their new neighbor. During the process, an unfortunate accident happened and now the city of Cincinnati will no longer be appearing on revised maps.
Reminiscent of the vast population surge from one country to another after the dividing of Pakistan and India after World War II, massive numbers of artists, writers, social workers, actors, theater workers, philosophers and social welfare recipients swarmed westward across the Mississippi to what they called ‘the Promised Land’ before the border was sealed. Conversely, many economists, low level business owners, CEO’s think tank thinkers, investment bankers, brothel owners and paycheck cashing store owners flew their private jets into the east before the airspace above the US was permanently segregated.
In further news of the future, the Republicans, upon gaining the rights to the eastern United States, immediately built a 12 foot razor wired wall the entire length of the Mississippi River, along the Mexico and Canadian border and installed underwater mines throughout the entire eastern seaboard.
They also removed the teaching of evolution from schools, kicked liberal arts programs out of colleges, banned all forms of contraception control and claimed control over the entire military including all the militias out in the woods. (The Easterners told them, “Hey, we’re not really the government, you can trust us!” And they believed it.)
The circumference around Washington D.C. area was cordoned off, and all the people making under $200,000 evicted from their residences. It became one huge gated community overnight. The enclosed properties were immediately bought up as fourth and fifth homes by the richer element that now runs Washington.
The East proceeded to make slavery legal in the news of the future, relegating all non-white groups to specialized ghettos and put a ceiling on how high they could rise in American society. They renamed their section of the former U.S. the League of Conservative States and they have claimed the legal rights to being the true “United States of America,” or, as referred to by those in the liberal West — “the United States of Tight-Ass Anal Retentives.”
The Democrats meanwhile spread out over the West, the richer ones also buying up the choicest property which was immediately declared to be government property for the people and was used to build lavish government employee housing and opulent government buildings, while the poorer put up camp in public parks or on the fringes of towns. The military was stepped down and many of the former soldiers put on welfare.
All coast lands of the West were made public property. Most of the BLM land formerly used for cattle grazing was turned over to soybean and quinoa farmers and cows were outlawed from being slaughtered, quickly becoming nuisances as they wandered into towns India and pooping all over India style.
In more news of the future, the entire Nevadan desert has been covered in solar panels to harness sun energy, to supplement the ocean wave and wind turbine generators of the west coast. Portland has been chosen as the new Capital of the Western United States, which has been renamed the Liberal States of La-la-land, or, as the conservatives refer to them as, the Socialist States of Marxist Traitors.
In only a short time, the Conservative States managed to cut down the entire woodlands within their borders for the building of massive homes for the upper 1% in all of the most scenic areas of their province. The entire national and state parks in their realm were privatized and then sold.
There was talk of an attack on eastern Canada to acquire their valued woodlands which the Conservatives perceive as ‘doing nothing with it.’ All welfare recipients that refused to get or find work, or couldn’t, have been moved to special ‘holding camps.’ The military draft was reinstated and anyone earning under $40,000 a year required to sign up. Special trading concessions with the Peoples Adopted Republic Of Hawaii have been set up to take advantage of their cheap goods and newly created slave labor.
Atomic energy plants supposedly for the purpose of energy consumption were immediately put into construction and the nuclear waste secretly distributed in peoples gardens at night.
The West, being 50% gay, underwent a population drop in the years immediately following the Great Divide, but soon its policy of letting anyone immigrate who wished to swelled its population to the breaking point. The majority of the gays, being white, while the immigrants bred like rabbits, caused social unrest, as the the foreigners stayed within their own cultural realms and English soon was replaced by a hybrid Spanish-Chinese-Hindi-Russian-Arabic polyglot language. With time, most whites retreated to gated communities that became ghettos in their own way.
The economy in the new West became based upon a free drug trade, alternative energy, organic agriculture, performance arts, computer technology and mooching off the system. The legislation making all drugs legal resulted in a significant part of the population being so stoned that they would not work and could only survive off the handouts from those who still worked, causing massive poverty in all areas of the new land.
The large government tendencies of the Democratic society were reduced by the lack of tax influx to pay for federal employee pensions and other benefits and resulted in lower wages thus discouraging people from seeking government jobs, successfully reducing big government without government influence, a true irony if there ever was one. The military, police departments, national guard units and state troopers were all dissolved. Mayhem ensued , but the new government did save a lot of money from the lack of prisons needed.
The entire forest lands of the west were now protected, requiring homes to be built out of mud, which caused havoc for the coastal rainforest dwellers during the rainy season.
Eventually the Conservative states, having quickly decimated their natural resources gazed with lascivious eyes upon the west, and, realizing that the Liberals no longer had any weaponry to speak of, attacked and met little resistance because they were mostly too stoned or passive to fight back.
Unfortunately, due to the lack of any understanding of environmental sciences on the part of the attackers, the fallout from the use of nuclear devices blew back over the lands of the east, successfully annihilating all forms of life in the two provinces. Canada and Mexico, having waited patiently for 50 years to overtake the lands, found themselves with a vast lebensraum, more than enough for their millions of people to stretch out in.
Its just unfortunate that nothing grows there anymore.
Latest posts by Roger Freed (see all)
- We Are a Fly on the Wall at a GOP Health Care Meeting - July 10, 2017
- A Fly on the Wall at an Early Trump Cabinet Meeting - May 31, 2017
- 2020, The Year of the Woman President: Recent History Revisited - May 14, 2017
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!