[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]
The GOP says a large turnout of zombies voted in the last presidential election
A U.S. Presidential election recount has been demanded by the GOP, because, they claim, illegal zombies were allowed to vote.
Apparently in their over-exuberance to get people out to vote, Democratic campaigners accidentally (or, perhaps intentionally as the Right insists) signed up the living dead. Being dead, zombies, as with most dead, can not legally vote.
Republicans fear that zombies tend to be non-racial, and being largely oppressed and a minority themselves, would tend to vote Democratic. Because they are cannibalistic, zombies tend not to differentiate between people of different races as all are equally edible. In fact, many zombies prefer the darker meats.
Democrats say that it doesn’t matter because most zombies don’t have enough thinking matter themselves to distinguish between parties. Some leftists even insist that they more often choose Republican because not thinking is a common trait of their voters anyway.
Interviewing zombies to get to the bottom of what happened may prove difficult, due to they’re being largely inarticulate. Many cannot say anything beyond the standard “AAAARGGHH!” There is also the problem of the interviewer often being devoured by the zombie before the end of the interview.
One interviewer was found in his office lying on the ground with his brains missing. Police believe this could be due to a zombie attack or because being brainless is a condition affecting many interviewers any way.
Confounding it further is the fact that in some parts of the country it is hard to distinguish the living from the dead. Parts of LA are so Goth that morticians themselves have a hard time discerning.
In some neighborhoods of New York City the difference between the living and the dead is very hard to define. Republicans themselves often have a hard time distinguishing the dead from the still living in their party.
To prevent this happening again in the future, all voters will be required to show an ID and take a blood test to see if they even have any blood.
Latest posts by Roger Freed (see all)
- Revealed: New Mottoes for the Trump Campaign in the Works - October 19, 2016
- News of the Future: Immediately after Election, President Trump Ships All Blue States Inhabitants to Gulag - October 14, 2016
- Was Having the Republican Convention at Quicken Loans Arena Really Such a Good Idea? - October 3, 2016
Like this content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!