[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“Like a mama grizzly, I’ll have to go hibernate part way through,” says Palin
Sarah Palin, who served half a term as governor of Alaska — quitting after an unsuccessful bid on the Republican presidential ticket with John McCain in 2008 — says she might run against Alaska Sen. Mark Begich in 2014. “People have requested me considering it,” she said, in one of her trademark Palinisms, speaking to Sean Hannity on Fox recently.
Palin has strong backing from a trifecta of supporters: Tea Partyers, editorial cartoonists and comedians. The latter two groups would likely put in a lot of volunteer time for her — if for no other reason, as a career-boosting move.
“Sarah Palin would be strong for the economy, and for jobs — at least ours,” said Lester Cornball, head of the Comedians and Cartoonists for Political Candidates We Can Make Fun Of (CCPCWCMFO) union. “In fact, we can’t think of a better candidate in the entire country.”
“While she wouldn’t ordinarily accept financial or other help from unions, we hope she’ll make an exception in our case. Palin is, after all, an exceptional case,” Cornball said.
Ms. Palin told Hannity that after some time off to recharge and make some big bucks off her national popularity, she’s ready to dive back into politics.
“Hey, I used to have an 80 percent approval rating in Alaska, ya know. You betcha,” she said. “Sure, by early 2013 it was down to 34 percent. But that’s just the lamestream media reporting. You know, polls are for strippers and cross-country skiers.”
“But having half the popularity I used to have, that’s perfect — since I only plan on completing half a term anyway. It’s how I roll, how I stay fresh,” she added.
Palin told Hannity that she is frustrated with the Republican Party, and would consider starting a “Freedom Party.” “But, as you know, freedom ain’t free, so I’ll need some big donations to get it going,” she said. “How about it, Tea Partyers? Oh, that’s right, you all have a party…”
“Anyway, I’d prefer not to have a squirmish with Republicans, so they need to start acting like Republicans,” Sarah Palin said, “rather than wishy-washilly considering flawed immigration reforms and not flusterbustering enough. But until they do, that’s why I too am not knowing.”
“You know, the planks in the GOP platform are right for this country. I stand strong on those planks. And I’m willing to walk right out there on one, and take the party with me.”
“Shoot, I’m itchin’ like a mama grizzly to make some doggoned good speeches on the stump. And I don’t need no stinkin’ teleprompters,” she said, reading her palm.
“Also, too, I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree,” Palin told a stunned Hannity.
Ed. Note: We’d like to thank Sarah Palin for coming up with great material for us. Check the links — those quotes are real!
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