[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
U.S. settles with creditors, erases the national debt — unfortunately, also erases the nation
The National Debt has reached $16 trillion. In an effort to pay off this enormous sum, the Federal Government has begun giving away States to its creditors overseas.
The first to go was New Jersey, to the Chinese, who immediately sent in troops to take over the municipalities and factories and sealed the borders. All dissidents were put in prison and the secret police visited Bruce Springsteen and beat the snot out of him. Donald Trump was arrested and forced to act as a liaison between the “running dog” American capitalists and the “new order” Chinese entrepreneurs.
The Australians demanded seafront property, and were not happy to be given Alabama. Despite this, they quickly put up surfing shops, replaced the hotels with backpacking hostels and started throwing wild parties on the beach.
At first there was animosity between them and the Alabamans, but when they realized that they were both redneck at the roots, they dropped their defenses and agreed to bugger the North and start a second Civil War for the hell of it.
Liechtenstein, Europe’s smallest country, got Nebraska, which increased its size 50 times and made it a nuclear power.
Arnold Schwarzenegger claimed California for Austria, setting off riots in the Senate. Further shock was added when 90% of Austria moved to California for the beaches and sunshine and promptly kicked out all the Auslanders (foreigners, or, in their eyes, anyone not white), except Tila Tequila because she’s hot.
Mexico grabbed Texas, setting off a revolt by Texans, which resulted in a second storming of the Alamo. This time, Mexicans razed it to the ground. George W. Bush was expelled as an illegal alien, and a wall was built around the state to prevent illegals from getting in.
Russia took back Alaska, causing gas prices to jump to $20 a gallon and Sarah Palin to wet her pants.
Sweden took over administration of Pennsylvania and immediately let all prison inmates free, made all beaches nude and made the restrooms and clothing unisex. These changes drove the Amish berserk and they packed up and moved to Canada.
Huge changes came when this national debt settlement program gave Oregon to the Saudis. Major flareups occurred when women were required to wear burkas, which ended when it was realized they were really great for keeping the rain off.
Religious police attempted to forbid social contact between unmarried men and women on the streets, but this grew difficult because of the numbers of gay couples holding hands and walking in the towns. Passions flared when college football games were canceled because of mass stonings being held at the stadiums.
The Saudis finally gave up their claim to Oregon because they couldn’t understand what the constant wet stuff was falling from the sky.
After all these changes, Arkansas, Wisconsin and Utah — the only states left in the Union — voted to rename themselves “Floyd.”
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