[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Poor Uncle Si, Duck Dynasty may never be the same
Anyone who watches A&E‘s hit reality show “Duck Dynasty” is familiar with not only Uncle Si, but his perpetual sidekick, a vintage Tupperware tumbler he carries everywhere he goes. Si is never without a container of sweet tea to keep his tumbler half full or half empty, whichever way the day is going.
The cup has become a running gag on the show. The way it was explained in the first season of the show is that when Si went to Viet Nam, his mama packed away his tea tumbler to go with him. He has had it in his hand ever since and needless to say, it is practically a sacrilege to mess with Uncle Si’s tea tumbler.
It is for this reason that Si booted his personal assistant off the set this past season when she, obviously unaware of the history behind the tumbler, decided to scrub the tea tumbler clean while Si was taking a nap on the set one day. Some say this was one of the worst outbursts of the season and Uncle Si literally had his assistant, Sally Morris, in tears before telling her to get her pitiful butt off the set and don’t come back.
“I honestly, to this day, do not know what I did wrong,” said Sally. “I cleaned a cup that everyone on the show complained about. It looked gnarly, and it needed a good scrubbing and I thought I’d help the old guy out by getting it all cleaned up.”
“The patina!” Si could be heard yelling over the scene being shot, said Si’s nephew, Willie Robertson. “The patina! Do you know how long it takes to build up a tea patina?”
Still groggy from his nap, Si appeared to have tears coming from his eyes as he held up the newly cleaned tumbler.
“Sweet tea just don’t taste the same ‘less you got you some patina to give it flavor,” he yelled at Sally.
“You dumb little city girls don’t know the first thing about ‘Nam, memories, patina or sweet tea,” he said as he called for the producer to boot her “city girl butt” off the show.
Rumors have it that without Si’s cup, there may not be another season of Duck Dynasty, or at least there may not be an Uncle Si, which, of course, means much of the meat of the show will have been removed.
So what to do? Offers to get Si another assistant to do nothing but pour sweet tea into the tumbler, leave it sit in the sun for hours and then replace it over and over again to build up a new patina have met with grumpy silence. For sure, the mistake Ms. Morris made is sure to cost the network some serious money and they aren’t happy about it.
“If we can get the patina, as he calls it, back before next season,” said assistant producer Fetch Mesome, then we have a chance of Uncle Si returning to normal. For now, we’re left with one dejected and tea-deprived character, who has taken up drinking day-old sweet tea from the local 7-Eleven.”
“Day-old tea don’t taste near as good as my patina tea,” said Si when asked for one final comment.
Meanwhile, in other Duck Dynasty news, the local Christian network in West Monroe, LA, where Duck Commander is located, are up in arms about a new nickname the show has developed.
“They’re now calling it ‘Double-D’ which, as we all know also refers to a popular size of bra among the heathens in this town,” said Tim “Tiny” Tucker, pastor at the local Love Thy Neighbor House of the Lord in West Monroe.
Protesters have arrived at the Duck Commander outpost to demand that the Robertsons change the name of the show, Duck Dynasty, to anything other than its current name. So far, Duck Empire is coming up as a suitable replacement, but A & E refuses to cow tow to a small group of religious fanatics who, as they put it “seem awfully acquainted with the use of the words “Double D” and what it connotes.
More breaking Duck Dynasty or Double D news as we get it.
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