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Argus Hamilton Comments on the News: From A-Rod to Carlos Danger

Aug 082013
 
 By , August 8, 2013

A-Rod: Trying to ‘enhance’ his chances of playing again

The FDA discovered e-coli in ground beef that is distributed nationwide but it won’t hurt the restaurant business. The hamburger chains have all diversified their food items. Alex Rodriguez (better known as A-Rod) is so shot full of hormones McDonald’s just added him to their menu.

Major League Baseball put the hammer down on performance-enhancing drug users Monday and suspended a dozen players for fifty games. All twelve of the suspended baseball players are from Latin America. To a man, they insist they didn’t take any stereos.

The Discovery Channel got huge ratings from Shark Week which started thirty years ago. Back then they had to show sharks devouring seals to compete with old Third Reich newsreel footage on the History Channel. This is how channel-surfing was born in America.

Manhattan joined the boycott against Russian vodka over Russia’s new law banning gay propaganda. Bartenders are pouring all Russian vodka brands down the drain. And in other news, the number of rats attending AA meetings in New York is at an all-time high.

President Obama arrived in Los Angeles to appear on the Tonight Show Tuesday. His arrival halted traffic during rush hour while his limo and police escort glided up the San Diego Freeway. Onlookers just assumed that O.J.’s parole had gone all the way through.

The CIA launched a drone strike that killed four al-Qaeda militants Tuesday as they were riding in a jeep on the main highway in Yemen. The attacks are becoming common there. There are signs all along the highway that read Caution: Seventy-Two Virgins Ahead.

The NFL is training the first female NFL referee in history, Sarah Thomas, in practices this month. She’s a finalist along with five men. She’s refereed six years in college but the five male candidates are prison guards and have the edge in NFL experience.

Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel is under probe for selling his autographs to brokers. It’s a graduated process. He broke the rules and he shows a drinking problem, but scouts want to see how he does on the pistol range before he’s deemed to be NFL-ready.

Philadelphia Eagles player Riley Cooper returned to practice after apologizing for the racial slur he shouted at a country music show. His teammates shrugged it off. They know that offering to fight every black guy at a Kenny Chesney concert is essentially an empty threat.

The GOP vowed to boycott any presidential debates on NBC if the network airs a planned Hillary Clinton movie. They know better than to ask for equal time. Jeb Bush having to sit at the card table on Thanksgiving until he’s also president doesn’t make a compelling movie.

President Obama did an about-face Tuesday and proposed private banks guarantee home loans, not federal agencies. He’d backed government home loans his entire life. You know he’s getting older when even President Obama doesn’t support President Obama.

George W. Bush is fine after a stent procedure to free a clogged artery Tuesday. The doctors blew up a balloon where his artery is clogged and inserted a stent to keep it propped open. He’s such an exercise demon the Democrats are unable to blame it on Bush.

Mayor Bob Filner checked into sex rehab Monday as Eliot Spitzer was reported to be with a mistress. Anthony Weiner’s sexting partner posed topless, Monica’s secret calls to Bill were released and more JFK dirt emerged with Marilyn Monroe. President Obama will go down in history not as our first black president but as the Democrat who kept his pants on.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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