[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Better profit margin selling to Taliban, and ‘profit margin is the most patriotic thing of all’
A major financial shift has occurred within the gun manufacturing section of the United States Corporate industry. A huge surge has come about in the number of guns and ammunition being clandestinely sold to the Middle East terror organization al-Qaeda. American gun manufacturers, once one of the most fiercely patriotic of capitalists, have now realized that pledging their allegiance to the organization that gave us 911 is much more profitable.
“It is simply amazing how our profit margin has risen since we stared sending out our shipments secretly via Chinese ships to the Middle East. Not only are the main ragheads in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan cleaning out our shelves, but so are the new branches in Somalia, Northern Nigeria and the Sudan. We are accomplishing the American dream by selling to our enemy,” says Ken Goodguy, a super white guy from Guns Are The Only Friends I Have, a support group that helps out gun manufacturer personnel who feel slighted and repressed by all the anti gun mania sweeping the country. (“Why, its almost as though they have hired the devil himself to go after us.”)
Goodguy sports the Pashtun wool hat and the rough brown cotton Afghan clothing that many gun representatives have started wearing to fit in with the terrorists that they sell to, having given up their former wear of cowboy hats and boots that had gotten them easy entrance into the social circles of their former buyers, the U.S. gun public. As he stroked his Taliban style six inch beard that reps now must have in order to penetrate the inner, more lucrative circles of al-Qaeda, Mr. Goodguy went on.” These guys buy up an amazing amount of gear and despite being seemingly poor always have oodles of cash on them that groups like the Saudi’s and Pakistan Intelligence supply them with. And, despite getting killed off in droves in airstrikes and drone attacks, they seem to have a never ending number of new recruits always showing up at the door.”
“We are trying to edge them away from suicide bombing which is a market we do not control and a waste of a perfectly good man with two trigger fingers and get them to see that the kill ratio with an assault rifle can be just as lethal. We are going over the numbers with them on this and comparing the number of people killed in a suicide bombing with the number killed in a U.S. mass murder committed with an assault rifle. They are quite impressed by the figures.”
James ‘Mustafa’ Shotgut, a sales analyst representing a consortium of gun makers, had this to say in between scratching his chin where his new grown beard was itching and scratching his skin where his rough cotton clothes were chafing his skin. “The terrorist market is growing by leaps and bounds. Not only is business up in Afghanistan, always one of the worlds poorest markets for anything, but we are also seeing sales skyrocketing in such unexplored commercial markets as northern Nigeria, Sudan, and Yemen, places where in the past you were lucky if you could sell a clothespin in the pre-Osama days. In fact, there is rumors about that al-Qaeda is getting ready to push into the bigger markets of anti-aircraft weaponry and sophisticated missile systems. If that is the case we want to be right there on the cutting edge of the weaponry business.”
“People have whined that we are traitors by selling to the Taliban, but we just laugh them off. We all know the highest American virtue in our modern times is making a buck any way you can. Our boys go over to the Middle East to prove themselves heroes. We just help give them that chance . What does it matter if they are killed by an American bullet or a Turkish one? If these wimps who call us unpatriotic can’t handle it, they should go to France and eat brie while philosophizing about how cruel the world is.”
James wife Ann ‘Fatima’ Shotgut added this in while we were interviewing him, “Mmmfh … glipppp … stuphrrrr … glarkkkst …” but we couldn’t make out what she was saying through the burka and besides that he started immediately beating her to shut her up.
It has been noted that Wayne LaPierre himself has stopped shaving and is starting to grow a longish beard. He has claimed it is because he has become Amish, but it has been brought forward to our attention that Amish do not believe in the use of guns except for scaring crows away from the corn fields.
Latest posts by Roger Freed (see all)
- A Fly on the Wall at an Early Trump Cabinet Meeting - May 31, 2017
- 2020, The Year of the Woman President: Recent History Revisited - May 14, 2017
- Presenting the Poetry of Sarah Palin - April 23, 2017
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!