[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Animals getting used to cushy lives, say fast food experts
A new study was published yesterday in the Journal of Food Science and Technology by a collaboration of fast food scientists on the dangers of better living conditions for animals who are used as a food resource.
The article illustrates an alarming trend in the attitudes of poultry and other animals and shows that they have gone from being content with their lot in life to actually expecting better food, open spaces, and even random hugs and kisses.
“There is a direct correlation between the animals’ increasingly sedentary and cushy lives and their change in attitudes,” reported food scientist Dr. Ino Beder. “Normally, we wouldn’t be so worried, but we actually had a pig force us to pet it for about an hour the other day. It’s getting a little ridiculous.”
This study was not lost on some of the heavy-hitters in the fast food industry, as they scrambled to come up with solutions to the problem.
“Our main concern right now is that the animals don’t unionize,” said Chet Burgenson, CFO of Burger King Corporate. “If that happens, we’re in for a s—storm bigger than Texas.”
Through one of our contacts at a processing ranch in the Midwest, we were able to obtain confirmation and verify the claims of this controversial study.
“It’s true,” said our anonymous source. “The chickens are demanding organic seed now (although I’m not sure if they really know what that means) and have somehow learned about Netflix.”
Though some have speculated this is only the beginning of an eventual worldwide problem, farmers and retailers have assured international markets that the situation is firmly under their control and will not spread due to the animals’ lack of formal language education and inability to use the internet.
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