[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann bared all in a girl’s all nude wrestling match to raise money for the Republican Party’s ‘Go For The Gold’ Presidential race last night. The girls decided they would put their greatest ‘ass’-ets out in public for the greater good of their party.
Having chosen to be patriotic and volunteer my services as towel boy and official mud-putter-onner, I was able to get close to the candidates (real close) while helping them during their fund raiser (I might note here that it wasn’t just funds that were getting raised during the performance).
Although I am normally considered to be more middle of the road politically, I decided to sacrifice my time and help out with this truly patriotic event which had been nicknamed the “Republican JUG-gernaut.” I want to make clear to those interested that I only did it out of a sense of duty to my country and not out of any niggling self-interest or shameful lusty cravings. Honest.
Before the contestants went out into the arena, they stripped down for me to coat them with some mud before entering in keeping with their fundamental Christian beliefs that they never appear totally nude in public. Owing to the ladies devotion to having not had premarital sex, that means that only I and their husbands have ever seen these ladies totally nude before. I considered this to be a boner…, er, an honor and a privilege.
Getting ready for the event, I made sure that I wore severely starched underwear. I came early to prepare for the event by oiling my hands, checking that they were warm enough not to make the dear ladies squeal, keeping the mud to the right consistency (thick enough to stay on, thin enough to enhance curvatures) and giving them very deep, meaningful hugs to ease their nervousness, even though it meant getting mud on me (sometimes in embarrassing places as parts of me where sticking out farther than others).
The contest was an amazing spectacle of raw talent, raw nerves, raw emotions and really wonderful raw naked flesh. The girls turned out to be quite animated and threw each other around in ways that would have made Xena the Princess Warrior proud. It is truly amazing the amount of savagery the female body can give out and can take. It is also amazing the extent to which men’s eyeballs can project out of their heads. The ladies bent each other around in positions that few could possibly imagine and that most men present could never match, even in their wildest erotic fantasies.
Strangely enough, most of the spectators were men in their late 30’s and 40’s, mostly the macho, lonely types who never wear glasses although many tonight were. Some, strangely, were even wearing binoculars. The few women in the audience all seemed to have butch haircuts. A strange similarity was that a few of them were wearing binoculars too. Between the heated, labored thrashing of the girl’s sensual tussling and the lustfully labored breathing of the men and pseudo men present, all the glasses and binoculars got heavily fogged up.
In the end, the Mama Grizzley proved to be too much for the Minnesota Mauler. Ms Palin got her in a leg lock that immobilized Ms Bachmen and set the stage for many a man’s wet dreams for the month to come (no pun intended). Unfortunately their naked wetness caused a suction grip on each other that took officials a half hour to get loose (although a lot of that was spent taking pictures of it and they seemed to be taking their time at it.)
After Sarah’s win, it was my patriotic duty was to help each lady clean off the mud. Knowing they were tired and sore and not able to pay total attention, I made it my duty to service them to the best of my ability. Slowly (very slowly…) toweling them off, giving special attention to any folds in their supple, sensual skin that would trap mud. I then stroked their long limbs by hand to warm them up. Soon they were purring like kittens at my gentle touch. (“Oh, that feels so good! Go over that spot again! Please!!” they cooed quite often.) I was extremely thorough in my cleansing. (“My, Ms. Bachmann, this mud just doesn’t seem to come out! Let me rub a little harder… maybe I just need to go a little deeper, there is a tender fold here… I’ll be gentle… oh baby… baby… baby!”)
After a very exhausting but satisfying day, proud of my service to my country, I returned home for a much needed sleep, but found for specific reasons I couldn’t sleep face down the entire night.
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