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Two Little Words

Sep 162013
 By , September 16, 2013
Two Little Words

You can spend a lifetime figuring out who you really are. As I approach my 60th birthday, I‘m finally closing in on the truth. At the very least, I know who I’m not. An avid magazine and newspaper reader, I’ve noticed that the media loves to sum people up with just two words. Like “Internet billionaire.” Or “Famous chef.” (Occasionally, the epithet-makers help themselves to three words: “Health-enforcing mayor,” anyone?)

I recently began collecting some sobriquets that will never be used to describe me. For good or ill, I’m never going to be a…

Deranged genius

Renowned adventurer

Disgraced cyclist

Superstar swimmer

Serial sexter

Legendary anchorman

Pop icon

Clueless banker.

Megawatt Star

Doomed aviatrix

Urban gardener

Luv guv

Adulterous multimillionaire

Florida socialite

Republican megadonor

Youtube pioneer, or

Blonde chanteuse

Of course, when it comes to a few of these, I do come close. For instance, Blonde Chanteuse. I am (with salon assistance) a blonde. And the toddlers who attend Storytime at the library where I work love my rendition of “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.”

And while I’m not exactly a Superstar Swimmer, I’m still in the pool every day, executing my plodding but consistent breast stroke.

Disgraced Cyclist? No thanks. I don’t need performance enhancing drugs to enjoy a ride around the neighborhood on my one-speeder.

The truth is that I’m happy with who I am: a Good Mom, Retired Attorney, Published Writer and Part-time Librarian.

Although there’s still hope that, one of these days, “Lottery winner,” or even “Pulitzer-winner” might apply.

Or perhaps I should just add “Incurable optimist” to that list.

What about you? If you could describe yourself to the world with just two words, what would they be? Amazing mom? Stellar wit? Fantastic lover?

(Or, if you’re having a bad day, you might want to go with “Exploited wage-slave,” “Problem drinker” or “Unhappy home-maker.”)

Go for it! Share your two words in the Comments Section. Be as honest (or as delusional) as you want. Here’s your chance to establish yourself as a “Piccolo virtuoso,” “Investment whiz” “Unsung genius” or “World-class bodybuilder.”

As for me, I’m going with “Sexy librarian.”

(This essay first appeared on

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Roz Warren Roz is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.

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