[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Magazine cites alien sun rays as destructive force
According to the monthly magazine, True Alien Stories, there have been several reports coming in from all over the country from people who are complaining that plants in their gardens are being zapped from sun rays, resulting in destruction of everything from eggplants to ornamentals.
Doris Higginbotham, who lives in Cocoa Beach, Florida, and the only person reporters could find who had actual proof of the rays, says her herb garden is a mess due to the alien rays, and every time she digs the destroyed plants up and re-plants them, the same thing happens.
“I’ve re-planted my basil and thyme at least three times this year only to see them dead in the garden bed,” said Higginbotham. She claims the only possible explanation is the alien rays and she has proof.
“I live right on the ocean in a condo. I went out one day to take a picture of an unusual plant that had a stalk growing out of the middle of it,” said the 80-year old woman.
“When I uploaded the picture on my computer, there were rays coming directly from the sun and shining down on the unusual plant. Three days later, the plant was dead.”
Asked if Mrs. Higginbotham later went out to take a picture of the dead plant for proof, she replied she did but was told the City had already removed the plant.
“It was on City property,” said Higginbotham, “and don’t you know, right when you want your City to leave things alone is the time they come out and do their jobs.”
Unfortunately, the City employee who was assigned to remove dead plants along the shoreline that week was out on disability leave, due to an as yet unnamed rash.
“I wouldn’t doubt the poor fella got the rash from the alien rays,” said Higginbotham.
“I’m just lucky to be alive. From now on, I’ll only go outside when the sun is behind my building. You just don’t know when the aliens are going to attack again.”
Asked if Higginbotham had actual proof that alien sun rays were destroying her herb garden, she replied “no.” Asked if there could be another possible explanation for the death of her herbs, Mrs. Higginbotham was adamant it had to be alien rays, after reading the story about the rays in True Alien Stories.
As the reporter was packing up his equipment in Mrs. Higginbotham’s back yard, she was shooing the neighbor’s cat from her garden.
“Darned cats. Don’t you know, I just cannot keep them from shi**ing in my garden.”
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