[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Government shutdown no problem after all
Last Tuesday, as Congress remained deadlocked over spending issues, the U.S. government came to a screeching halt. This marked the eighteenth time we’ve had a government shutdown since 1977 and the first time the government hasn’t not shut down since the last time it didn’t shut down.
Due to overwhelming concern over what might become of “the hill” and the country in their absence, a last minute vote was issued, and Benjamin Whirly, step-son to a congressman who sincerely wished to remain anonymous, was put “in charge” for the duration of the stalemate.
His only condition was that everyone refer to him as “The Gatekeeper” for the rest of his life.
“Yeah, I know some people are worried about my work ethic,” The Gatekeeper confessed. “But would a lazy person do this? (holds up unfinished diorama of Congress in the middle of the ocean) I think not. It’s a work in progress — like me. It’s also a metaphor.”
With upwards of 800,000 federal workers out of jobs because of the government shutdown for the time being, public displeasure for public servants is at an all-time high. According to Mr. Whirly, he is fully aware of the gravity of his situation and is doing whatever he can to win back public support.
“Today was intense. I held an impromptu session on the pros and cons of the president’s health care system. I called it “Obamacare vs. Obama-idon’tcare”. I made a Harry Reid doll and a Boehner doll to represent the two sides, and somewhere in the middle Boehner doll jumped Harry Reid doll and ripped his arms off and started beating him with his own arms. I was like, ‘Whoa Boehner doll. Whoa. That’s definitely not in Robert’s Rules of Order.’ And he just looked at me with his beady eyes and didn’t say anything, cuz he’s a doll you know…”
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