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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Man Takes Day Off Work to Help ABC with TV Ratings Dip

Oct 092013
 By , October 9, 2013

Beleaguered network needs all the help it can get boosting TV ratings

In view of the disconcerting drop in the number of people watching ABC’s fall line-up, local man, Howard Haversham, responded to the call with a vengeance.

ABC TV ratingsHoward, like everyone else in the world, keeps up with TV ratings fluctuations through Yahoo!’s highly informative newsfeed.

“I would just like to say…that The Neighbors suffered a .8 drop in adult viewers this year!  POINT 8!  What is wrong with this world!”

A long-time BFF of the network, Mr. Haversham felt compelled to do all that he could for the one who gave him Roseanne in the 90’s and Scrubs in the 2K’s.

“They’ve taken care of me, so I want to take care of them.  My friend says I should marry them but that’s silly, right?  Hahaha.  Oooooh man, that’s a good one.  Marry ABC.  I couldn’t, could I?”

Mr. Haversham has started by cold-calling random people from the phone book and asking them to keep their TV’s on and tuned in to ABC during the shows that need extra help, which is most of them.

“I make my appeal to the American people for America’s Best Channel (that’s what I call it): please! don’t Betrayal yourself.  Let’s Get Back in the Game and make every night a Super Fun Night!”

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Jeff Boldt is an English teacher living in China and the writer and editor of Iron E-News, a website dedicated to that ever-abiding alternate bizarro world -- at times all too closely mirroring our own.

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