[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“I was in love with two things: money and Arthur Fonzerelli.” — Bernie Madoff
NEW YORK — In a surprising series of revelations yesterday, former investment tycoon and current resident of Butner Prison, Bernie Madoff, admitted to the press that he came very close to not going through with his infamous Ponzi scheme back in the late 1970’s.
We flew to North Carolina and spoke with him in person.
“It was 1975,” Madoff said. “Gerald Ford was president. The Reds had just won the World Series. And I was in love with two things: money and Arthur Fonzerelli. You might say I had a choice to make. But I guess you already know which one won out.”
Apparently, Bernie Madoff, the man with high aspirations for even higher finance, was ready to give it all up and go on the road as an impersonator of the Fonze.
“It was the perfect scheme. I called it the ‘Fonzie Scheme’.”
Even a cursory glance from the unobservant is enough to reveal the uncanny resemblance between Mr. Money and Mr. Cool.
Bernie, sitting on the edge of his cot, glazed over for a moment and spoke as if he were alone with his thoughts.
“It was perfect, I tell you. No one could get hurt (well, except for a few lonely hearts).”
Then, turning back to the camera and becoming increasingly animated, he said, “Is it too much to think that I could snap my fingers and happiness would appear? Or that maybe I could hit my hand on the hood of life and the world would turn on for me? Just like it did for him?! Maybe that’s exactly what I was doing all that time! Yeah, that’s right! I became him! I was the Fonze!”
At this point, Bernie Madoff became silent for a few minutes and gazed out of the bars of his one room cell.
“What does Henry f*%@ing Winkler know anyway?”
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