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Argus Hamilton on the News: iPad Air & much more!

Oct 262013
 By , October 26, 2013

Apple introduces the new iPad Air, demonstrates it on the ObamaCare website

Apple introduced a new iPad and called it the iPad Air Tuesday. The demonstration was amazing. The CEO used an iPad Air to apply for health care on the ObamaCare web site and the iPad Air was put on an eight-hour hold twice as fast as the Google Android was.

Boston Strong was the theme of the World Series pre-game ceremony Wednesday at Fenway Park. They’re a proud breed. Over the years the people of Boston have resisted three great enemies–the British Navy, the New York Yankees and Alcoholics Anonymous.

The FBI arrested a young man they caught trying to join al-Qaeda online Friday. The lure is very devious. Al-Qaeda’s website not only offers you martyrdom and seventy-two virgins in Paradise but in the meantime it can get you a health care policy in three minutes.

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sibelius will speak tonight at the JFK Library in Boston. That is ironic. If Kathleen Sibelius had been in charge of the Dallas motorcade route, Jack would be ninety-six years old today and still wondering how everybody wound up in Oklahoma City.

President Obama was singing the praises of ObamaCare in the Rose Garden Monday when a pregnant woman standing behind him fainted. The president personally caught her and held her until she was able to regain her breath. Now that’s the Platinum Package.

President Obama asked for patience with the ObamaCare rollout and promised that the website will be fixed. It’s also very intrusive. It’ll save a lot of headaches if we just get rid of the ObamaCare questionnaire and have the NSA fill in the personal information for us.

President Obama said Monday if the wait is too long on the ObamaCare website you can apply for ObamaCare by mail. Now he’s achieved something. No one thought that it could be done, but the Democrats have finally invented something slower than the U.S. mail.

Toyota this week started paying off two billion dollars to victims of the car’s sudden acceleration and brake problems. The payments were court ordered. The judge stated that Toyota executives were dragging their feet, but they were just trying to stop their cars.

Facebook continued its dramatic rebound on Wall Street this week as the Dow Jones soared. the company went back to basics. Last winter, Facebook decided to stick to doing what it does best, which is letting you know that your friends in high school got fat and old.

Dick Cheney and Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared on Fox News Thursday to lay out their differing visions for the GOP. It was the Terminator versus the Defibrillator. The difference between Cheney and Schwarzenegger is, when Cheney grabs a chest it’s his own.

Germany’s Angela Merkel blasted the U.S. for authorizing the NSA to monitor her phone calls. We just hit bottom. When you’re getting bawled out for snooping by the leader of the country that brought us the Gestapo, it’s a clear sign you may have a snooping problem.

Prince George was baptized by the archbishop Wednesday with the Royal Family in attendance at St. James chapel. The newspapers got great photographs of England’s future king in the arms of his mother. The infant behaved beautifully and why not, so far so good.

The Justice Department began shaking down J.P. Morgan this week over its actions during the financial crisis five years ago. The idea is to fine them out of cash reserves and make them confess wrongdoing and expose them to class action lawsuits You know your bank is in trouble when you try to cash a check and they tell you to come back with a gun.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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