[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘The weird trick was so bizarre, it actually worked!’ he says
Jed Jackman, age 34, of Buffalo, New York, answered one of those “weird trick” ads online recently, and was pleasantly surprised.
“I really didn’t expect anything groundbreaking, I was just bored,” Jackman said, “so I clicked on it. Now my life is forever changed!”
“Weird trick” ads have been proliferating on the internet recently, luring viewers in who are looking for “secret” methods to success, be it picking up dates, making lots of money, obtaining great abs, or just getting healthy.
Experts say the ads have been successful because people like the idea of shortcuts.
“Rather than having to put lots of time and effort doing real work to attain a goal, what if there were one little weird trick that could get you there?” asks Professor Samuel Urnsky of the University of Long Island School of Business.
“It only takes a few seconds to find out, they figure, so why not try? Hmm, that sounds good. I think I’ll click on this one!”
However, as many have discovered to their dismay, clicking on those ads usually leads to a long video or a page that scrolls on forever, as the advertiser tries to soften up a potential buyer before making the final sales pitch.
But Jackman says he got lucky, and found one that really worked. “I’m now rich and famous, and I get all the chicks I want. Really weird, huh?”
“I watched the presentation, and said to myself, ‘that looks easy’ — so I did it!” he said.
So, what was the trick? “Well, if I told you, you’d get it for free, and that’s not how this stuff works. Besides, you have to read this article for 30 minutes before we can even get close to revealing the answer,” Jackman said.
—- SNIP [20 pages of this article have been cut here. To read it, try clicking on a ‘weird trick’ ad.] —-
“So, I finally said to myself, f*ck this sh*t,” explained Jackman. “If these ads are really convincing fools to spend their money on this crap, I should just make one myself!”
He did, and now he’s rich, famous, and gets laid anytime he wants.
There are other weird tricks that work, however. Here are a few:
- Be as weird as Weird Al Yankovic.
- Discover an oil field under your yard.
- Win a huge lottery.
- Have a super-rich family, like the Koch brothers or the Wal-mart Waltons, as good friends who will give you a few million dollars to get started.
- Start a SuperPac that the above types donate to, then pilfer a few million from the account for “legitimate” expenses. *wink, wink*
- Be a fat cat on Wall Street.
- Become a great actor or athlete, or a successful politician who goes into the lucrative lobbying sector.
- Get born to rich and famous parents.
I hope this weird article helps you find your way to easy success. It certainly hasn’t helped me a bit.
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