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Argus Hamilton on the News: Toronto Mayor, Obamacare & More!

Nov 152013
 
 By , November 15, 2013
Argus Hamilton on the News: Toronto Mayor, Obamacare & More!

In the news:  Toronto Mayor, Obamacare & More!

The Mars Curiosity rover was rebooted by NASA Monday after it had an unexpected glitch this past weekend. So far the mission has been pretty disappointing. The Curiosity has found no signs of football, beer, or porn, destroying the theory that Men are from Mars.

Bill Clinton said President Obama should keep his promise and let people keep their health plans. That is beyond parody. Next Toronto’s mayor will ask President Obama two questions, what was he smoking when he made that promise and does he have any left.

Obamacare was reported to have sold only fifty thousand health policies Tuesday. It was cursed from its passage over three years ago. Andy Griffith demonstrated how much money Obamacare could save you by doing commercials for it and then dying immediately.

WalMart announced it’ll open at six o’clock on Thanksgiving Day. It breaks up family time. It’s an American tradition to put two gallons of wine and a carving knife on a dinner table within reach of relatives who haven’t seen each other for one year, and watch the fun.

Thanksgiving Day was announced as the opening day for holiday shopping by the big retail stores Monday. There’s no respect for our country’s traditions anymore. The fifty stars on Old Glory were recently replaced by fifty eyeballs that follow you everywhere

Ed Snowden defended his NSA leaks about the U.S. spying on Allies saying it shouldn’t be a crime to tell the truth. He’s taken refuge in Moscow. Ed Snowden always looked like the type of guy who’d mail order a Russian bride, and now he doesn’t have to pay shipping.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford hinted Monday he may check into alcohol and drug rehab after videos revealed his Boogie Nights lifestyle. He’s up for re-election next year. Mayor Ford plans to run on his successful record of taking crack off the streets of Toronto.

California state senator Gavin Newsome wrote a ballot measure to legalize marijuana in California. It’s a safety measure. Traffic engineers believe that fewer automobiles will crash into moving trains in California if no one can remember where they left their iPhone.

President Obama saluted the oldest World War II veteran Rich Overton Monday who is one hundred and seven. He said his secret is whiskey in his coffee and twelve cigars a day. The moment the first lady turned her back, he slipped President Obama a candy bar.

Mitt Romney agreed to help Boston try to land the Summer Olympic Games in eleven years. The first thing he did was to order Boston 2024 sweatshirts for the organizing committee The sweatshirts are exactly like Mitt Romney, one-hundred-percent reversible.

Miley Cyrus smoked a joint while accepting an award at the MTV Awards Monday in Amsterdam immediately after Miley had twerked with a dwarf during a musical number. It had everybody talking. Until then, nobody thought that a dwarf could ever stoop so low.

Jenna Jameson ended her porn retirement to be a webcam model who performs sex acts online for tips. This is a new business from the one she left. It’s so much easier to close a porn page on the Internet than it is to sprint across the room, eject a VHS tape and hide it.

Killing Kennedy drew record-high TV ratings for National Geographic Channel about the assassination of JFK. At the time of his slaying, The CIA, Castro. the Mafia, the NAACP, the Teamsters and the South were furious at him, plus he had six mistresses. In fifty years we have gone from wondering who killed Kennedy to realizing that everybody killed him.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.