[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
LaPierre’s fear of having helped the ravaging American society pushes him to build a ‘Winchester House’
Wayne LaPierre, chief face for the National Rifle Association, has been secretly burdened by the fear of having helped to suppress laws that would have controlled the guns that have been ravaging American society. Knowing that he was instrumental in the deaths and injury of thousands of citizens across this land, LaPierre has taken up where Sarah Winchester, wife of rifle manufacturer William Winchester, left off.
Sarah Winchester, made fabulously wealthy by being married to the man who created the rifle that helped shoot up the West, allegedly felt guilty about the people whose lives were ended by bullets from her husbands guns. She deemed that the souls of those killed hovered around and that her family was responsible for their ordeal.
A medium warned that these spirits wanted her own death even as they had taken those of her daughter and husband. To ward them off, she must move out west and build a house that would never end. To stop building on it would allow the disembodied entities to take her life.
Taking the advice she moved to San Jose California where in 1884 she began the work on what was to become known as Winchester House from the ground up. Hiring workers 24 hours a day to erect additions on to it, she had false hallways and doors leading to nowhere built to confuse the entities that wanted her blood. This went on for the remaining 38 years of her life. The famous Winchester House has since become a legend and is a major tourist attraction that draws thousands a year to visit its twisting staircases and hidden rooms.
Now LaPierre, also crippled by fear, has been building on his own home, although not on quite the same scale as Mrs. Winchester. Doing a lot of the work himself, he has injuring himself a few times and takes full advantage of Obamacare to pay his hospital bills. Bathed in sweat, he invests an fervent energy into it that is almost Biblical. “They ain’t gonna get me! They ain’t gonna get me!” is a mantra he repeats continuously. “I know that most of them are liberals and deserve to get shot, but now that they are dead they are like zombies and will stop at nothing to get me!” he says, his eyes rolling feverishly.
NRA sponsors have not been supportive of his project; in fact they are embarrassed by it. “This is the guy who is supposed to be pushing our gun agenda for us, and he is letting himself be pussified by a bunch of spooks? It is time we find someone else to get our way in the government. Does anyone know Dick Cheney’s telephone number?”
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