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“Is Your Stomach Making You Sad?” and Other Conundrums of 21st Century Life

Nov 212013
 
 By , November 21, 2013
"Is Your Stomach Making You Sad?" and Other Conundrums of 21st Century Life

What’s on your mind, America? You may be surprised.

The questions we ask ourselves define who we are as a culture. “What is the meaning of life?” “Is there a God?” “Does anybody really know what time it is?” “Where the hell did I put my car keys?”

To see what America is asking itself these days, I checked a dozen popular magazines out of my local public library, from “Martha Stewart Living” to “Sports Illustrated,” and scoured the ads for questions.

So what’s on your mind, America? Here’s a sampling of the questions I found:

What’s the Gecko’s favorite yoga pose?
What do you hate most about vacuuming?
Why do we love football?
Are all vitamins really the same?
What’s your dinner made of?
Unexpected zit from hell?
How pure is Purified Fish oil?
Is your stomach making you sad?
When’s the last time you were this excited to get on a plane?
Allergy fog?
On the go?
Got milk?
Who knew 100 calories could be so creamy and chocolatey?
What’s so wrong with a bald head?
Your secret ingredient?
Ready to sparkle?
Do you own the right stocks?
Your litter may control urine odor. But what about feces?
Is it demanding to want it all… in two minutes?
First rule of taking the world by surprise?
Ever feel like you’re growing old waiting for your wrinkle cream to work?
What does a water balloon tell us about strong, healthy skin?
How long has it been since you gratified all your senses?
Can your deodorant do this?
Can you visibly shrink your pores after just one use?
Is your life a work of art?
It’s 5 o’clock. Is your make-up still fabulous?
So, how does the Man of Steel shave?

There are no bad questions, the saying goes, only bad answers. Or in my case, sarcastic answers. Here are a few of my own responses:

What do I hate most about vacuuming? Vacuuming.
What’s your dinner made of? Whatever I can phone in.
Are all vitamins really the same? Yes. They’re just like M&Ms — but not as tasty.
How long has it been since you gratified all your senses? Twenty minutes.
Who knew 100 calories could be so creamy and chocolatey? Who knew that chocolatey was actually a word?
Unexpected zit from hell? Not at my age.
What does a water balloon tell us about healthy skin? If water balloons could talk, I doubt that’s the topic they’d choose to address.
On the go? Probably not.
Ready to sparkle? Maybe later.
Your secret ingredient? Lunch meat.
What’s the Gecko’s favorite yoga pose? Standing by the Coke machine asking if anyone can break a twenty.
When’s the last time you were this excited to get on a plane? During my anxiety attack.
Can your deodorant do this? No, but you should see it write on mirrors.
Got milk? Not since I was 12.
Do I own the right stocks? Yes. All of them.
First rule of taking the world by surprise? Two words: Invisibility cloak.
Is it demanding to want it all… in two minutes? No, but it could be Bipolar.
Is my life a work of art? Not yet. But I’m working on it.
How does the Man of Steel shave? He gets Batman to help him.

“At the end of the day,” Zen guru Leo Babauta has written, “the questions we ask of ourselves determine the type of people we become.”

I guess this makes us a nation of football-loving, fish-oil gobbling folks who love to sparkle but hate to vacuum.

But at least our make-up is fabulous.

(This essay first appeared on Womens Voices For Change.)

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Roz Warren Roz is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.