[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Once-revered Thanksgiving holiday now on life support
The holiday of Thanksgiving was found badly beaten in a back alley today.
The holiday, which has been waning in power and influence in the last decade, is now virtually homeless and forgotten, as it has been minimized by the more commercial, and thereby more powerful holidays that precede and follow it — Halloween and Christmas.
Police investigators, who put solving the crime low on their list of responsibilities — far below that of preventing shoplifting and protecting Christmas shopping crowds at American malls — say they cannot think of a motive or a suspect. This is despite local citizens finding an abundance of Black Friday and Grey Thursday fliers and posters strewn about the alley and the fingerprints of the CEO’s of Walmart, Target, the Gap and Old Navy on both the fliers and on Thanksgiving himself.
“It’s a bit odd,” stated James McGover, a Citizen’s Watch group for the neighborhood where Thanksgiving was found. “It’s almost as though the big box stores paid off the police to minimize the case. But that couldn’t happen in America, could it?”
Doctors administering to Thanksgiving have given him a good prognosis, saying that he should recover. “But he will never be the same as he was before,” said Dr. Goodbody who oversaw the patient. “The last few years have not been good to him. He is forgotten, ignored, pushed aside and, with the Christmas mafia slowly taking over his late November time slot, left virtually homeless. But I say he should have recovered enough in the next twelve months to get pummeled again next year.”
Meanwhile, other witnesses have come forward saying something about strange, green-clad, elf-like men leaving the scene on flying reindeer. They said they heard them chanting “Ho, ho ho! We gave that schmuck some blows!” as they raced away. Police say they have no clue as to who these individuals might be.
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