[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“Shoot a pigeon, feed a family, all while cleaning the streets,” is one town’s new holiday slogan
Some cities hardest hit by the ever-worsening recession have come up with a way to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. They are urging the poorest of their citizens to take aim at the over abundance of pigeons soiling the cities’ sidewalks and advising them to cook the birds in place of turkeys this year for Thanksgiving.
Due to the reduction in benefits received by millions of families under the food stamp program beginning the 1st of this month, many families will have to forgo the traditional Thanksgiving meal this year. This, even though turkey prices haven’t changed much since last year and are, in fact, even a bit cheaper.
Interestingly, the average amount an individual food stamp recipient will now receive is $11 less per month, which just happens to amount to the average price of a turkey large enough to feed a family of 4-6.
“While we should be ashamed of the fact that our poorest citizens are having to scramble to feed their families overall, let alone, provide a nice meal on Thanksgiving day,” said George Rosevelt, City Manager of Chicago, Illinois, “the fact of the matter is, the cut in the food stamp program beginning November 1st has sent a clear message to the hungry.”
“Which is?” asked a reporter from Fox News, sent to cover the story.
Rosevelt went on to explain a program he and managers from other larger cities around the country came up with when they learned of the cuts scheduled to take place in the food stamp program.
“We could not, in all good conscience, leave our poorest citizens out in the cold without some sort of coping mechanism to deploy in order to provide sustenance for their family units during one of the most revered holidays this country enjoys. While barnstorming many ideas, one city manager came up with the idea of allowing a day of squab hunting for citizens who could show a need for some type of alternative protein for the holidays.”
Rosevelt stated that other animals were mentioned in the meeting to meet a minimum in dietary guidelines according to the USDA, including squirrels, whose numbers also present a problem for most cities. However, seeing as the Thanksgiving holiday is centered around a bird, the pigeons got an immediate yes vote from an overwhelming majority of those managers in attendance.
“That, and the fact that when you mention pigeon for dinner, it sounds so awful, but fortunately, when you use the word ‘squab,’ well, it seems almost as if we are allowing poor families to dine one day out of the year like the wealthy.”
When asked if the governance of these cities could exert some pressure on Congress to reverse the cut in food stamps for the poorest, especially during the holiday season, Rosevelt replied that was never a consideration.
“You can’t fight City Hall,” he replied, using the age-old adage in a ‘turnabout is fair play’ sort of way, to indicate that even in light of the dire situation his city’s poorest face, he still has the ability to find some humor in the tragedy unfolding across America.
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