[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Heading south: Santa’s workshops becoming wet-shops
Old Saint Nick has been having a hard time of it. His North Pole sweat shops, …er…, workshops, have been becoming wet-shops, due to the melting of the arctic sea ice.
“It has just become impossible! I have been bitching to the industrial nations of the world for centuries to ease up on the pollution and the CO2 emissions and they listen like an Eskimo with his ear frozen to his cell phone,” Santa Claus said.
“I stopped giving the CEO’s and the upper employees any Christmas gifts decades ago, but they get so much dough and goodies from ripping off the taxpayers and government cronies that they don’t even notice!”
“I used to bring them by Mercedes and BMW’s which killed my back and my reindeer to deliver, then I cut out giving any gas emitting presents,” continued a not-so-jolly Santa. “Those that noticed it did complain, a couple even bribed off their countries strategic defense to shoot me down at the air border.”
“I lost a couple good reindeer due to their villainy; Blitzen certainly did live up to his name when he got side-swiped by the guided Chinese missile with his name on it. I had a strong temptation to drop off some strychnine laced stolen in their living rooms, but I do have to keep to a certain range of ethics.”
Mr. Claus is moving his entire operation to the South Pole which has not experienced the demise of its ice like the North has. In fact scientists are astounded that the ice sheet of the south has actually expanded in recent years, presumably due to cooling worldly winds favoring it (Smithsonian Magazine – December 2013 – page 20).
Santa mentioned other reasons as well. “The dang polar bears are having the ice melt out from under them! You know those special Coke ads they have this time of year with all the smiley white bears having a fun time? They sure don’t look like that when they come crawling out of the frozen water emaciated like a Pharaohs mummy and looking like they badly need a breakfast. Elves are slow moving, bite-sized and easy to catch. I can’t afford to lose any more. And their agonizing last screams destroy any Christmas spirit there was here in the first place.”
“We also have to consider that the new Pope is an Argentinian. That means that the South Americans will probably be gooder and holier for the next few years than the Northern Hemisphereians. I won’t have to be schlepping as much to North America or Europe now. The Russians have never gotten much anyway except coal any way, which they didn’t seem to mind.”
Santa is trying to work out a deal with the Soviet air force to help move his equipment and staff the long distance south. Negotiations have proved difficult as the Russians are demanding Eskimo and elf women as compensation.
“The last time I had to deal with them they ate 20 of my reindeer and got the elves drunk on vodka!” moaned Mr. Claus. “I’d rather deal with North Koreans than them. And the North Koreans would be tickled pink just to get lumps of coal!”
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