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No-Shave November? How About ‘Disheveled December’?

Dec 162013
 
 By , December 16, 2013

‘No-Shave November’ gets a lot of press, but why stop there?

No-Shave November, santaI once attempted to participate in ‘No-Shave November,’ but it was a disaster. As I approach the mid-century mark, it’s never been my follicular fortune to be able to grow a decent beard (or mustache, goatee, or even reasonable mutton chops). Any attempts I’ve made have left me looking like a sad hillbilly (My apologies to hillbillies everywhere). At home, my efforts only earned me a trip to the couch for the night until I agreed to remove the “belligerent weed” growing across my face.

Although the tradition is rooted in the desire to increase cancer awareness, particularly related to men’s health; I believe this tradition has left the runway, with me still trying to scan my ticket at the counter. Therefore, I’ve decided to celebrate the need to draw attention to men’s health issues by celebrating, in some way, all of the months of the year. Here are few of my suggestions:

Jonesing January — An effort to make the public more aware of the addictive cravings the we men feel for… football, high-cholesterol foods, football, yadda-yadda-yadda, football… For instance, watching Jane Austen based movies with our significant other can make a guy start jonesing for (fill in the blank), so have a little sympathy friends.

French Fry February — The ability for men to keep their six-pack abs from turning into a liter as we age is a myth. Even the most resolute fitness hounds eventually pick up a few pounds of baggage under the watchful eye of Father Time. In February, we will sample french fries from as many places as we can and pool our collective opinions, by democratic vote, as to which establishments have the best fries. If we’re going to be honest with ourselves and thumb our stomachs at the bathroom scale, we might as well do it with the best fries we can find. Be true, men, be true!

Manic May — Friends and lovers, please hear our plea. After a robust winter, we want to do chores. We really do! We want to rake leaves, trim bushes, clean rain gutters, mulch the flower beds, mow the lawn, and get the pesky raccoon out of the tool shed. Come May, you’ll notice that we go a little crazy, flitting from one chore to the next like a hummingbird surrounded by a hundred blooming flowers to drink from and not knowing where to start. And though we won’t finish a single project in its entirety, we ask for kindness and sympathy for our condition. When ‘Justification June’ comes around, we’ll get around to completing each task… maybe.

Disheveled December — It should surprise no one that a man’s mood can shift like the weather. In particular, the month of December brings significant changes to our usually sunny persona. The first serious snowfall, give or take a month, brings a calm stillness to our minds. You’ll notice us blankly staring at the flat screen as our favorite football team is denied one touchdown after another by one referee after another who clearly has it in for our team. The icy cold wind that blows from the west is really the root of the icy cold stare we give the credit card statement after our lovers have participated with the herd back during Black Friday. The snow blows up against the house, leaving our manicured landscape looking frumpled and sketchy. So, it is no wonder that we stop shaving (again), perhaps stop bathing, and our laundry piles up in little flurries in different parts of the bedroom.

Take pity upon us, friends and loved ones. Support our campaign of monthly awareness. We’re getting ribbons made for each month; we’ll hurry and get them out in Manic May.

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Michael Larson is newly minted Texan. He is a retired teacher, current university librarian, and a future 'great American' author.
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