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Argus Hamilton on the News: Duck Dynasty & Much More!

Dec 212013
 
 By , December 21, 2013
Argus Hamilton on the News: Duck Dynasty & Much More!

In the news: Duck Dynasty, crack-smoking mayor, lottery & more

Duck Dynasty’s family patriarch Phil Robertson was put on hiatus by A&E Network after he compared homosexuality to bestiality in a GQ interview. The guy’s very lucky. Phil could have lost his entire viewer base if he’d said that in a Field and Stream interview.

Toronto crack-smoking mayor Rob Ford was videotaped dirty-dancing with staffers and female council members at the city council’s Christmas party. AA has really helped him. The other day, he called them after his battery died and they came and picked him up.

The Mega Millions lottery’s jackpot drawing on Tuesday night wound up having two winners, one from Georgia and one from California. The two states have an inverted relationship. Georgia started out as a prison colony while California has evolved into one.

Fox News said the two Mega Millions jackpot lottery winners from Tuesday’s drawing will split six hundred and fifty million dollars. Last year’s huge jackpot winner gave his homeless brother a new home. It was the cardboard box from his new seventy-two-inch TV.

The Pentagon ordered Shaw Air Force Base in South Carolina to take down the base’s Nativity Scene Friday. The locals are furious. it’s amazing how the birth of Jesus became world famous when his mother never posted any of his baby pictures on Facebook.

Florida State’s James Winston won the Heisman Trophy after his rape charges were dropped by a state prosecutor who’s an FSU alum. It won’t hurt the super-talented quarterback’s future. He says he’s innocent and Jerry Jones said that’s good enough for him.

China’s government successfully made a soft landing on the moon with a space craft Friday, setting off Chinese national pride and celebration. Americans could only smile wistfully. It harkened back to the days when the U.S. government could get a website to work.

Barbara Walters blasted Obamacare Tuesday, saying Barack Obama did not turn out to be the Messiah. The lesson is still strikingly similar. Jesus also got crucified when he healed the sick and he didn’t charge the sick five hundred-dollar monthly premiums for it.

Prince Charles demanded that Muslim nations stop persecuting Christians. It’s about time the West got tough with the world’s tyrants. Last week, John McCain called Kim Jung Un a circus clown which, while insulting, still makes him eligible to be vice president.

North Korea’s Kim Jung Un executed his uncle for drunkenness and womanizing last week before Dennis Rodman arrived. It’s clear what’s going on. In addition to selling missiles, North Korea is trying to raise currency by advertising itself as a last-chance rehab.

President Obama was advised in a review Wednesday to order the NSA to stop data-mining phone calls of citizens of foreign countries. Mexico is furious about the practice. It’s not enough that we’re spying on U.S. citizens but we’re also spying on future U.S. citizens.

California Governor Jerry Brown was reported to be considering a run for president Tuesday. He has a chance. He just signed a law funding research for driverless cars in California, knowing that this technology’s crucial if we’re ever gonna have texting while driving again.

U.S. agents stripsearched and jailed a female Indian diplomatic consul in New York for underpaying her nanny and visa violations, sparking outrage at the U.S. in Delhi and throughout India. We’re on our own with the website problems now. Even Jimmy Carter wouldn’t be stupid enough to humiliate India if he needed tech support to save his administration.

New York state lawmakers offered a bill to legalize marijuana in the Empire State to raise needed tax revenue. Other states have found it also lowers the crime rate. Once pot is legal, murders are pretty much limited to people who are within range of your couch.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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