Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Michele Bachmann Calling Herself A ‘Genius’
In her defense, she might have said it by comparison while standing next to Sarah Palin
Republicans Freak Out as HealthCare site Gets Nearly a Million Hits
Only Snoop and Willie Nelson can relate to that many hits
Americans Want Congress Members To Pee In Cups To Prove They’re Not On Drugs
I want to know they’re on drugs, cause that’ll explain plenty
Bruce Jenner May Flatten His Adam’s Apple Through Plastic Surgery
Or he can have it removed and put wherever Kris Jenner keeps his nut sac
Kris Jenner Regrets Divorcing Robert Kardashian – ABC News
Robert Kardashian is glad he’s still dead – Seance Times
Food Stamp Cuts Threaten to Leave Many San Antonians Hungry
Literally, leaving many only able to remember the Ala Mode
Woman finds razor blade in Dunkin Donuts croissant
Takes hint and goes for upper lip waxing.
Rob Ford fitness consultant, sold steroids, banned in Canada
The guy should be banned for being Rob Ford’s fitness consultant.
Woman sleeps next to remains of her dead husband for almost a year
In her defense, it was hard to tell, after all, they are Presbyterians
Heidi Montag Removes F-Cup Implants
Good thing, boobs that big only have one place… in Congress
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