[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Black Friday Buying Syndrome’ – consumers consumed?
Mental authorities are warning of the expansion of a relatively new psychic dysfunction they have named PBFBS – “Post Black Friday Buying Syndrome.”
This mass consumerism, rising to the level of a nationwide obsession the last 50 years, has supplanted the normal Christmas spirit of relaxation and giving with one of frenzied must-have rudeness.
Over the 2013 holidays, mental health authorities have noticed an uptick in the manifestation of the engram.
“People just can’t seem to stop shopping. We have seen individuals – and not just a small number – with their faces pressed hard against the door glass, pleading to get in hours after the shop has closed. They just seem to have an uncontrollable need to buy things,” stated Neil Corndye of the Alfred Neuman School of Brain Research.
“We believe it is caused by the conditioning from advertisers, using our modem mass media to convince the public that the only thing that gives happiness is buying more things!”
There were some especially tense moments at stores on Christmas Eve recently. People were pounding on the closed and locked doors and hurling very non Christ-like obscenities at the employees cleaning inside.
“They would just look at us and keep working like they were really tired and just wanted to get home! What the hell is wrong with them? I demand my American right to shop when I want! These people should all be fired for being slackers!” complained Alan Starchedshirt, a writer for a conservative think tank. “They must be communists, every one of them!”
Due to this phenomena, Walmart and several other large retailers are contemplating staying open on Christmas in the future.
“I think the only way to combat this illness is to give into it and give them what they want. In fact, I think we should just be open all the time,” said the four Sam Walmart siblings, all of whom are among the top ten richest people in the U.S., and who are the only ones who would profit from the longer opening hours.
Some suspect that they were not beneath paying actors to play these roles to convince the American society to having longer opening hours during the seasons.
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