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New Years Follies

Jan 032014
 
 By , January 3, 2014
New Years Follies

Test your powers to predict the wackiest events and the coming years’ follies

Who will be the first celebrity to apologize for an offensive tweet? Which politician’s extra-marital affair will be exposed on YouTube?

Test your powers to predict the wackiest events of 2014. Answers are at www.crystalmethball2014.com.

The biggest surprise about Obamacare in 2014 will be
A) It only covers treatment by faith-healers.
B) It only covers car insurance.
C) The website will be working and enrollment will soar, but the insurance will only be accepted in Canada.

The biggest sports story will be
A) After being suspended by Major League Baseball Alex Rodriguez enters and wins the Tour de France.
B) Several retired NFL players find second careers as crash-test dummies. Studies show that their new jobs are significantly safer than their old ones.
C) Vladmir Putin bans show tunes from being played during the Winter Olympics’ male ice skating dance competition. Tight-fitting pants are also prohibited.

The 2014 Emmy Will Go To
A) Mad Men: A group of politicians drink copious amounts of alcoholic Ice Teas, and become so inebriated that they shut down the government. On the season finale they wake up from a drunken stupor to find themselves unemployed and unable to download healthcare applications.
B) The Blacklist: A drama about department store security guards on the lookout for shoplifters in Barneys and Macy’s. Jay Z wins an Emmy for best theme song.
C) The Walking Dead: A reality series about seriously ill Americans who are denied health benefits by Obamacare death panels.
D) Homeland: A miniseries created by Fox News, which tracks the escapades of a fictional illegal Mexican immigrant, as she collects welfare benefits, gives birth to an anchor baby, votes in several elections, and eventually wins the presidency, after forging her birth-certificate.

In an Attempt to pay off its debt Detroit will
A) Join the European Union and ask Germany for a bailout.
B) Launch a surprise attack on Canada and take over the tar sands.
C) Take the 100-to-one odds offered by Vegas and bet its entire budget on the Lions making the Super Bowl.

Governor Chris Christie
A) Will become one of Senator Corey Booker’s Twitter followers.
B) Will become a season ticket holder to University of Iowa football games.
C) Will write the best-selling Finding Peace And Calm Through Yoga. With an introduction by Hilaria and Alec Baldwin.

In 2014, the Pope
A) Gets arrested at an Occupy the Vatican protest.
B) Passes Justin Bieber in number of Twitter followers, inspiring the Grammy nominated pop star to dedicate himself to Christian music.
C) Draws record ratings from his T.V. reality series Papal Dynasty, but is fined one million dollars by the F.C.C. for using the “b” word to describe Sarah Palin, after the former governor calls Pope Francis a “Kommie Sympathighzer” in a Facebook post.

New York’s Mayor de Blasio
A) Commissions Bansky to draw graffiti all over Michael Bloomberg’s official City Hall portrait.
B) Replaces stop and frisk with a new policing strategy called touchy-feely.
C) After free agent Carmelo Antony leaves the Knicks, the NBA franchise will sign the six-foot six inch mayor, instantly making him the best player on the team.

New Words for Webster’s Dictionary in 2014
A) Afghanisgone: What Afghanistan is called after U. S. Troops leave the country and the Taliban regain power.
B) Jwerk: A pop star who displays over-sexualized behavior while performing.
C) Mistwake: An offensive celebrity tweet, that requires the tweeter to issue an apology.
D) Homotextual: A technology addict who spends all his time at home texting, tweeting, liking, and streaming.

Extra Credit
A) Congressional Republicans refuse to raise the debt ceiling, causing the bond market to crater, after which Wall Street is renamed China Town.
B) NSA leaks show that the spy agency spends most of its resources monitoring phone calls on sports talk radio.
C) Anthony Weiner runs for Mayor of Toronto…and wins.

A version of this essay appeared in The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, on December 30, 2013.

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Ben Krull

Ben Krull is a Family Law attorney in New York and a freelance writer. His essays have appeared in The New York Times, Baltimore Sun, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and other publications.
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