[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Freedom Industries explores its freedom to pollute the waterways of West Virginia
Freedom Industries, the more-important-than-humans industry conveniently located next to a major river supplying water to nine counties of a rural portion of West Virginia, has contaminated the drinking, bathing, teeth brushing, clothes-washing water of thousands of people with a coal foaming agent that leaked out of their plant.
Local residents, rather than wait for governmental and environmental agencies to go through the myriad testing that needs to be done before they can go back to their normal lives, have taken the CEO of Freedom Industries out to the river bank and made him drink several gallons of it over the past few hours to test its effects themselves.
Asked for a comment, the president of the company had only “Glub, gluck, glub, gurgle” and several other unintelligible garbled gargling sounds to say about it.
West Virginia police, who normally run to the aid of any company set upon by workers or citizens, this time stood to the side and seemed to be ignoring the situation, realizing that they all had to drink the same water. “This once, I think I can see why the people are a mite upset,” said an officer who wished to remain anonymous and not endure the same gut flushing that the president was getting.
Business backers were quick to criticize the hazing. Some called it torture. “Why, we can’t have ordinary people doing this to one of our own elite!” stated the head of the West Virginia Coal ‘R Us Federation, Samuel Gimmeebucks. “Next thing you know we will have people striking for higher wages and a clean environment. That would be the end of business as we know it in this part of the country!”
Even former Vice President Dick Cheney put in his two cents. “This is unacceptable! This is a form of water torture! It is one thing when you do it to a rag-head from Arabia, but quite another when you do it to a valued businessman only trying to make a buck, or several million bucks!”
Local citizens involved in the internal waterboarding of Freedom Industries CEO insist they were only using a cost-effective means of determining if the water was truly safe or not. “We thought we’d test it out on his internal organs. If it shut his down, then we would know it wasn’t okay yet.”
Local water company (West Virginia American Water) president Jeff McIntyre said, “We don’t know that the water’s not safe,” (actual comment!) thus becoming himself the second guinea pig to be used as a human water filtration system.
West Virginia residents of the Elk River area await the results of the experiment and in the mean time are allowing the two lab rats to pee as much as they need to.
ADDENDUM: The following is an actual, not made-up letter from a real resident of the area that appeared on the comments part of the Yahoo News story of the incident (NOT a spoof):
Parker Ray wrote:
From a Resident in this affected area:
I live here and am dealing with this as I write this, and what I’m going to say is the truth here.
The chemical that spilled was a chemical that is used to clean coal at coal wash plants, and it spilled into the Elk River in Charleston, WV. It’s a very bad chemical, and not to be messed with. We cannot drink our water, bathe, cook, or anything else with it right now, and it could be days before we have water here.
Last night we had business establishments in our town selling water for 18.00 dollars a case here, and I kid you not. Now, the stores have sold out of water and there’s none to be found anywhere for these people around here.
All restaurants, schools and most business establishments are closed now under order ot the state health department.
It’s eerie quiet here this morning. No one is out on the roads. People are staying in. It’s a creepy feeling here. The water still runs in our tap but is unsafe and we cannot boil it and use it either.
Pray for us. For those of you who believe in God, please, pray for us!
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