[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“After we lose the Super Bowl, I’m trading that loudmouth and getting me a real quarterback,” says Seattle Seahawks owner Paul Allen
Seattle Seahawks owner Paul Allen started a major controversy today, when he blurted out that he’d trade “loudmouth” defensive cornerback Richard Sherman for a “real” quarterback, during a Super Bowl press conference.
“Sure, teams we play don’t catch many passes thanks to our secondary, but neither does ours,” explained Allen. “That’s why we’ll lose this Super Bowl, and that’s why I need to get me a real quarterback.”
“Maybe I’ll get Payton Manning out of retirement,” he said, “Oh, wait…”
“Russell Wilson is a nice guy and all,” said the owner about his present quarterback, “but he can barely see over his O-line and can’t pass worth a damn.”
Allen was asked why he’d want to break up his great defense.
“Hey, I’m real good at getting excellent talent here. Just look at how I got the World Bubblegum Chewing Champion to run up and down the sideline to inspire the players,” he said, apparently referring to coach Pete Carroll. “I can get more.”
“Besides, that ‘roid raging Richard Sherman is a real dick in the locker room. Don’t care for the guy,” said Allen.
Sherman was fined $7875 for taunting in the final minute of the NFC championship game against San Francisco, and nearly scared the living daylights out of Fox interviewer Erin Andrews when he went on a rant about being the “best in the league” and hating on 49ers receiver Michael Crabtree.
Erin Andrews later told this reporter, “Oh my GOD! I thought he’d tear my head off! I never knew this job could be so dangerous! I may have to apply for a cushy booth job!”
Despite ranking number one in a number of categories this season, the Seahawks defense nearly let another mediocre passer beat them in the NFC Championship game. Colin Kaepernick’s throw to Crabtree was only a few inches from getting over Sherman’s outstretched hand and scoring the winning touchdown. Super-quarterback and sure-to-be Most Valuable Player Payton Manning will likely have an easier time, as he has against so many teams this year.
Meanwhile, in the locker room after the game, Sherman was still ranting. “I’m the best. The BEST, I tell you! Don’t you talk about me! I’ll show you. Don’t you talk about ME!” he shouted at a quivering towel boy, who nearly shit his pants. Reporters and other players alike retreated to the opposite side of the room just to get away from him.
“WHO’s the best? I’M the best, goddamn it! ME! NO ONE ELSE!” he raged on. “ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!” he screamed. Suddenly he seemed to calm down. He called one of his buddies over and whispered in his ear.
This reporter got close enough to hear him ask, “Hey, can you dose me up? I feel like I’m losing my edge.”
Later, asked if he thought Richard Sherman was the best corner in the league, Payton Manning said, “Who?”
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