[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Founders’ political Frankenstein lives on
There are unknown, dark portions of our history that our leaders would just as soon we didn’t learn of. There are secrets about those who are at the helms and have the stewardship of our country that would cause many to become sickened and to lose their patriotic fervor were they ever to be revealed. But that is what we are here for, to enlighten you dear folks, to make the opaque visible, to bring that which is dark and hidden to the light.
Let us now look upon the buried tale of Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, two distinguished men whose honor and virtue is held high in the esteem of most Americans. Two honorable men were they, yet they too had their dark moments. Let us now reveal the monster that they begat and unwittingly unleashed upon an innocent American public! (Cue the organ music!):
In the year of 1792 in a dark cellar in one of the more forlorn, forgotten parts of Washington D.C. a carriage would mysteriously bring two well dressed, seemingly respectable men to this same local every night save the Sabbath. There they would disembark, enter and would work feverishly until mid morning. Kerosene lamps would flicker therein and the muffled sounds of industrious labor could be heard by those who bent an ear close to the curtained basement windows. In mid morning they would leave as covertly as they had come, their countenances ever covered by a disguising shawl.
This odd ritual continued for months through the dark winter of ’92 and into the new year. Then, one dismal March morning, strange moans could be heard emitting from this dark den of intrigue; unearthly voices, tones echoing a strange and horrible expression of pain and soulful malaise.
“Oooooh!!!” “Aaaaaaagh!!!!” “Errrrrgh!!!!” Less strange emotions have sounded from charnel houses on All Hallows Eve.
“It is finished!” cried Madison. “It lives.”
“Indeed, brother Madison!” exclaimed Jefferson. “And it is a truly wonderful work of hand we have accomplished!”
There on the bloodied table before them lay IT, the cumulative reward of their dark labors. IT, the symbol of the new political party that they had engineered to counter the elitist movement of the Federalist Party who threatened to turn the fledgling American republic into another pseudo monarchy such as that they had just freed themselves from across the seas. The new political entity was the Democratic Republican Party of 1792 and here was its Frankenstein-like mascot, given horrific birth upon an oaken table in a dingy cellar.
Two oversize heads were sewn upon one body – one side a smiling Democrat, the other a scowling Republican. Both were meant to share the same body, but each with its own mind. This would prove to be a fatal mistake that neither of the two political geniuses could foresee.
In an experiment that would later be echoed in the Frankenstein novel by Mary Shelley decades later, electricity was gathered and harnessed by their comrade Benjamin Franklin from a kite hovering overhead. This was circuited into the monstrosity causing it to moan and come to life. It stood up from the table that had served as its womb.
“Masters!” uttered the Democratic side of the beast. The Republican side promptly uttered, “Nay! I shall not be a servant to any man!”
“You foul thing!” snarled the Democratic head to his conjoined twin. “Have you no respect for those who have created us?”
The Republican head glared back at his sibling. “I detect a stench most sickening! I am from God and not from man!”
The two (or is it one?) began to punch and kick at one another in a most dreadful way. Jefferson and Madison watched in horror as something they had created to help their nation now sought to destroy itself.
Thus began a battle that has raged until this day. A later operation separated the two, but the bickering has never ended.
Pray friends from other lands, do not try to join together those alien political entities which were never meant to be wedded in service to our government or you shall have a marriage that tears asunder the whole of the land.
That we have seen much of in years of late.
Authors note: Our founders James Madison and Thomas Jefferson did actually form a political party called the Democratic-Republicans. I am sure it was conceived differently than it sounds to us today, for this name would never make it in the American politics of the 2000’s.
Second strange fact – The Democratic-Republican Party became the Republican Party.
Third strange fact – The Democratic Party evolved out of the Republican Party.
Fourth strange fact – Madison, Jefferson and later Monroe, all members of the Democratic-Republican Party, were basically liberals.
Fifth strange fact -The first true Democratic President was a real redneck- Andrew Jackson.
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