[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“There goes Idaho’s chances of ever hosting a CPAC convention!” said the senator, regarding the virtual lap dance ban in his state.
BOISE, Idaho — Sen. Sam Getzless of Pocatello, Idaho is fuming mad about the recent bill passed in his state banning virtual lap dances, otherwise known as “laptop dances.” Getzless claims the ban will affect roughly half the population as roughly half the residents of Idaho are male. Roughly.
“What a man does in the privacy of his own home should be sacred,” said Getzless, after waiting for the results of a vote on the Senate floor. When the vote finally came in narrowly in favor of banning the virtual sexual activity on any laptop anywhere in the state of Idaho, Getzless could not contain his anger at his fellow lawmakers.
“Well, folks, there goes Idaho’s chances of ever hosting a CPAC convention!” he screamed to a packed Senate.
The bill is expected to be signed into law next week.
“I can’t speak for the rest of Idaho, but I can say that my own city, Pocatello, has always been known as Smile City, but after today, we will most likely have to change our motto to Grimace City,'” said Getzless, in an overly dramatic post-vote speech.
Getzless says he’s going to fight the law by every means possible.
“Pocatello is also known as Gate City,” added Getzless, “and if we aren’t careful, it’s gonna turn very quickly into ‘Gay City’ after today’s vote.”
The Senator was asked if that should even be a bona fide argument, as Getzless himself just stated that what a man does in his own home should be sacred. Getzless just stared blankly at the reporter and continued his tirade.
“I believe banning this particular online sex act is just the first step toward making Idaho another Utah,” said Getzless.
A quick check of the state statutes shows a fairly new law on the books allowing pole dancing in the privacy of one’s home. Asked if he could just get his wife to do a pole dance for him instead of making such a fuss about laptop dancing, the Senator responded, “Have you seen my wife?”
The Senator claims the fight isn’t over.
“I think there is a good chance I can sway the opinion of the Governor and get him to veto this bill,” he said.
“There ain’t but a couple strip clubs in the city of Pocatello, but I’ll find a nice decent one and invite his honor to accompany me one evening to see for himself just how important lap dances are.”
Asked why he doesn’t just invite the Governor to his home to enjoy a laptop dance, Getzless admitted he would if he thought it would change the Governor’s mind, but his wife has banned all internet from his home.
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